ON THE MEND

The year has been hard. Almost impossible. Honestly, there were days I didn't think I would make it through this year.  There's a lot I've had to learn through the hardest of ways and going forward, I expect there's much more I have left to endure. There is part of me that feels it is a miracle that I am here at the end of this year. I threatened to quit, I questioned my sanity, I doubted my capacity. I lost faith and belief in myself and I found myself in tears many times over wondering what had happened. It was dark in my head and painful in my chest. This whole year has changed me into someone I can barely recognise. But, in all honesty, there's a few things I'm glad I've learned now rather than later. I've had to see the sides of people that I always closed my heart to seeing as negative previously. I've had to remove people from my life who had done nothing but harm. And I'm glad that I was stron...

12 years ago today, my mom passed away. It's been 12 years of being alive and doing life things without a mom. Somehow, it's still hard to believe she's gone. My brain goes through the timeline and I find myself transported to 2006 and all the various events surrounding her sickness. The feeling of going to the hospital, of seeing her change, of seeing myself and my family wrestle with the news. Then I think of all the wonderful things about her and all the ways she made me better. It's a day of mixed emotions to say the least. So much has happened in 12 years and so much more will happen in the next 12 years and the 12 years after that as well. There's so much of my life my mom will never be here with me to experience This anniversary could be the worst one yet; today, I'm split down the middle. I've officially spent an equal amount of time on this earth with my mom and without her. Her passing isn't the defining feature of ...

Photo taken during my recent trip to Lombok, Indonesia - October 2018 It is narrated in an authentic Hadith that the Prophet said,  "Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before you're death."  As someone with MDD and generalised anxiety disorder, I feel like I have been on a lifelong quest to take better care of myself. Essentially, depression lies to you; about everything. And when you used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realise that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality. It's hard not to trust your thoughts and it's hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn't, but it's an important exercise, even you only do it in small dosses at first. I spent the last 7/ 8 months...

Photo taken by yours truly @Imam Muhammad Ibn Abd al-Wahhab Mosque, Doha Qatar - November 2018 He is breaking you to heal you. "from the perfection of Allah's ihsan is that He allows His slave to taste the bitterness of the break before the sweetness of the mend. He does not break His believing slave, except to mend him. And He does not withhold from him, except to give him. And He does not test him (with hardship), except to cure him."   - Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah I wonder when was the last time I smiled (wide smile) because my heart always felt warm. I wish I had captured those moments, I could look at them now and smile but guess what? I was too busy living those moments back then. The healing process is ugly as hell. It's not bubble baths and aromatherapy. It's accountability which brings guilt. It's getting to the root of your issues which triggering and intense. It hurts, so I walked away; I walked as far as I could. I...

Photo taken by yours truly @Merese Hills, Lombok Indonesia - August 2018  When your mind won't let your body move. One of the hardest thing to explain to other people about depression is that it robs you of control not just over your emotions, but over your physical body as well. It can begin as a general slowing of your mental and physical processes, and worsen into a near-paralysis. Of all the things I hate about this illness, I think this tops the list. I don't just mean that it's hard to move; I mean it's practically impossible. Let's say there's a box of Ferrero Rocher in front of me, waiting to be eaten. Ferrero Rocher is my favourite and I love to eat it while its cold (frozen); I like to put it inside the fridge. But when I'm severely depressed, I can't summon up the energy or will power necessary to make my hand move to the table and grasp it. The Ferrero Rocher just sits in front of me, taunting me while it melt; who's "f...

I was tired. Really tired last night. I was edgy, emotional and anxious. I sank further and further until finally breaking down and I just couldn't go through the motions anymore when I felt like I was dying inside. It was a constant feeling of unease. All day I've been telling myself what a failure I am, how wrong and weak and stupid I am. I feel broken, defective, betrayed. I feel unworthy, inadequate and a burden.  I feel like I've lost a lot of things to this illness: time, energy, motivation. But none of these compares with the feeling that I lose myself and my identity when I breakdown. Six months ago my world was turned. Spinning aggressively.  The pain was so intense. All I could do was surrender to get really vulnerable, and to let spirit guide me through.   Deep down, I know that fear has been holding me back from moving on. Although fear is unpleasant, it keeps me safe from further hurt, but it also keeps me from further joy.  Beyond th...

Photo taken by yours truly @Canggu Beach, Bali Indonesia - September 2018 "Hey, enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast." Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, be joy, be happy, enjoy every second of it , etc, etc, etc. I've heard them all. But what if I don't feel like it? What if I'm having a lousy brain day, restricted to a darkened room with a blinding headache, and seizing the day is not an option? I asked my therapist and the answer she gave me, which depression often seems to give us, is simply, "because".  Because I have an illness that impacts my energy levels. Because my energy, despite all my efforts, does not operate on a 24-hour cycle that kindly resets each night for the following day. Because when I allow my mind to become a whirlwind of things to do at work, things to do after work, things to do around the house, things to do over the weekend, things to do before a friend stops by, I become exha...