ON THE MEND

Photo taken by yours truly @Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque, Abu Dhabi - October 2019 I told myself that everything good takes time, but I don't know how much I believed it. I stepped forward into the light and tried to forget the darkness of my past experiences, but a bulge of darkness walked with me After a year plus of growing and healing and therapy and books and running and prayers still they come. And yes, all of those tools have helped. As have tears. Tears help a lot actually. Yes, there are times in a bottle and there have been time trying to cut it free. The specific are not relevant. Or perhaps they're just a bridge too far for me to share right now. But in case it might be useful to know they exist at all, know that they do. My smile is chosen not unburdened.  So many ways I have sought to silence this darkness in me, to satisfy this gaping hole. There are books upon books. Yes, the kind that you would expect but for me more powerfully there are books...

Photo taken by yours truly @Nusa Penida, Indonesia - September 2019 It's hard to watch someone suffer. Period. It's also really hard to see someone struggle with something when you think you have an idea of what the answer is So many of us want to offer things that we know will help the people we love and care for. We want to save them from their pain. We want to save them from the suffering. Sometimes, we just want to give answers to help them cut to the chase. But that's not how it works. People have to claim their own work. They have to claim their healing. They have to earn their transformation so that they can trust it. If you do the way for them, they won't be able to trust it. The only way for it to be fully trusted is when it's integrated by the person themselves.  This month will be the 9-month since my suicide attempt. I'd love to tell you that a hospital stay, some medications, and a few therapy sessions silenced the voice, but that woul...

Photo taken by yours truly @Nusa Penida, Bali, Indonesia - September 2019 Allah swt has a thousand ways to turn our situation around that we've never even thought of. Just because we don't see a way  doesn't mean He  doesn't  have a way Allah swt is closer to us than we are to ourselves. If He chooses something for us, there is certainly nothing that would be better than His choice. He knows what we need before we realise it on our own. It's difficult to accept. It's difficult to comprehend; but He doesn't ask that of us. We simple told to trust Him. To accept the Qadr of Allah doesn't mean it won't hurt. It will. Your heart will ache, your eyes will get filled with tears and in your head, nothing will make sense. But that is when you have to remind yourself that this is what Allah has willed and His choice for you are always better than your wishes. With that hurt in your heart, mess in your head and tears in your ey...

We can be our own worst enemy sometimes. We often think the worst or expect the worst because it's the easiest thing to believe, because we don't believe ourselves. Give yourself the credit you deserve and try to see the situation for how it is, and not how you have created it in your mind. Give your mind a little rest. Save that brain space for new ideas, for new adventures, for the things you love and for the people you love. Breathe in, breathe out To myself, I have wronged you again, I have belittled your pain. I have made you feel so inferior that I couldn't hear your screams when silence was the only thing engulfing you. I am sorry for making you believe that I didn't matter. I know I have wronged you and I am your everyday culprit. I don't know why it's so hard to choose you before everyone else. I am sorry for making you feel horrible even when some people said good about you. It took me time to accept you and I am still learning how to love you....

Photo taken by yours truly @Medina, Saudi Arabia - March 2019 The days are long but the years are short. Some years are better than others. Some of the "others" you'll never forget because they change the course of your life forever. Last year was that year for me, and I'm still paying the price for it. The year started off hopeful, but quickly dissolved into worry as I dealt with some personal challenges as well as mental health issues that required tests, follow-ups and more appointments; my depression and anxiety flared to levels I'd never experienced. Many days I could hardly get out of bed and I had a general sense of doom. It's normal to celebrate anniversary; birthdays, weddings and relationship milestones to name a few. Today however, I have a celebration of a different nature; I celebrated the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  I celebrated this anniversary not by having cake or a party, but by being as alive as I possibly co...

Photo taken by yours truly @Medina, Saudi Arabia - March 2019 He will make a way out for you when you least expect it. A way out of your hurt, your pain, your difficult. Whatever it may be, He has control over all things. Remember Him and He will remember you Ya Allah, there will be better days, I know there will. You've promised it. And I see it in your creation. I see it in the beautiful flowers that bloom when everything was once brown. I see it in the tide when it rises and falls. I see it after the storm and the rain ceases and calm. I see it all around me without even needing to ask. Sometimes it is so difficult to imagine and see any good around but when I take a moment to reflect, to allow my emotions to calm and to think of You, there is nothing but hope.  There is nothing but happiness and joy knowing that You are in full control. There is nothing but comfort knowing that when everything seems destined for failure that You are the o...

Photo taken by yours truly @Berlin, Germany - March 2019  Today, I sat in my hotel room with an empty screen in front of me for a couple of minutes; I just sat there and stared. The circumstances in my life had become overwhelming, everything was crumbling, and my world was falling apart. The pain was cutting so deeply within me that I did not know how to react. I was so numb and yet hurting at the same time. It's like my heart just becomes fed up of having to deal with the same kind of hurt over and over again, that it puts it at a stop for me. Maybe this pain keeps me grounded to Allah. Maybe it's Allah's blessing upon me that I hurt to the point I have no point left but to seek His support and love. Not going to lie, I've been an ignorant person in the past. The pain humbles me. I've been aggressive, dismissive, sometimes rude and on the path of sin. This pain put an end to it all. Now that I hurt so much, I have no energy left in me to be disrespectful to ...