ON THE MEND

Photo taken by yours truly @Merese Hills, Lombok Indonesia - August 2018  When your mind won't let your body move. One of the hardest thing to explain to other people about depression is that it robs you of control not just over your emotions, but over your physical body as well. It can begin as a general slowing of your mental and physical processes, and worsen into a near-paralysis. Of all the things I hate about this illness, I think this tops the list. I don't just mean that it's hard to move; I mean it's practically impossible. Let's say there's a box of Ferrero Rocher in front of me, waiting to be eaten. Ferrero Rocher is my favourite and I love to eat it while its cold (frozen); I like to put it inside the fridge. But when I'm severely depressed, I can't summon up the energy or will power necessary to make my hand move to the table and grasp it. The Ferrero Rocher just sits in front of me, taunting me while it melt; who's "f...

I was tired. Really tired last night. I was edgy, emotional and anxious. I sank further and further until finally breaking down and I just couldn't go through the motions anymore when I felt like I was dying inside. It was a constant feeling of unease. All day I've been telling myself what a failure I am, how wrong and weak and stupid I am. I feel broken, defective, betrayed. I feel unworthy, inadequate and a burden.  I feel like I've lost a lot of things to this illness: time, energy, motivation. But none of these compares with the feeling that I lose myself and my identity when I breakdown. Six months ago my world was turned. Spinning aggressively.  The pain was so intense. All I could do was surrender to get really vulnerable, and to let spirit guide me through.   Deep down, I know that fear has been holding me back from moving on. Although fear is unpleasant, it keeps me safe from further hurt, but it also keeps me from further joy.  Beyond th...

Photo taken by yours truly @Canggu Beach, Bali Indonesia - September 2018 "Hey, enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast." Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, be joy, be happy, enjoy every second of it , etc, etc, etc. I've heard them all. But what if I don't feel like it? What if I'm having a lousy brain day, restricted to a darkened room with a blinding headache, and seizing the day is not an option? I asked my therapist and the answer she gave me, which depression often seems to give us, is simply, "because".  Because I have an illness that impacts my energy levels. Because my energy, despite all my efforts, does not operate on a 24-hour cycle that kindly resets each night for the following day. Because when I allow my mind to become a whirlwind of things to do at work, things to do after work, things to do around the house, things to do over the weekend, things to do before a friend stops by, I become exha...