Ending It Seemed Like The Only Way To Make The Pain Stop

It's hard to watch someone suffer. Period. It's also really hard to see someone struggle with something when you think you have an idea of what the answer is

So many of us want to offer things that we know will help the people we love and care for. We want to save them from their pain. We want to save them from the suffering. Sometimes, we just want to give answers to help them cut to the chase. But that's not how it works. People have to claim their own work. They have to claim their healing. They have to earn their transformation so that they can trust it. If you do the way for them, they won't be able to trust it. The only way for it to be fully trusted is when it's integrated by the person themselves. 
This month will be 9 months since my suicide attempt. I'd love to tell you that a hospital stay, some medications, and a few therapy sessions silenced the voice, but that wouldn't be true. I did all those things, of course and more. And slowly, over many mo…

You Are Exactly Where Allah Wants You To Be At This Very Moment

Allah swt has a thousand ways to turn our situation around that we've never even thought of. Just because we don't see a way doesn't mean He doesn't have a way
Allah swt is closer to us than we are to ourselves. If He chooses something for us, there is certainly nothing that would be better than His choice. He knows what we need before we realise it on our own. It's difficult to accept. It's difficult to comprehend; but He doesn't ask that of us. We simple told to trust Him.

To accept the Qadr of Allah doesn't mean it won't hurt. It will. Your heart will ache, your eyes will get filled with tears and in your head, nothing will make sense. But that is when you have to remind yourself that this is what Allah has willed and His choice for you are always better than your wishes. With that hurt in your heart, mess in your head and tears in your eyes, you accept the Qadr of Allah and that is what makes you strong, that is what keeps you going. That's th…

Your Mind is Your Best Friend and Your Worst Enemy

We can be our own worst enemy sometimes. We often think the worst or expect the worst because it's the easiest thing to believe, because we don't believe ourselves. Give yourself the credit you deserve and try to see the situation for how it is, and not how you have created it in your mind. Give your mind a little rest. Save that brain space for new ideas, for new adventures, for the things you love and for the people you love. Breathe in, breathe out
To myself,

I have wronged you again, I have belittled your pain. I have made you feel so inferior that I couldn't hear your screams when silence was the only thing engulfing you. I am sorry for making you believe that I didn't matter. I know I have wronged you and I am your everyday culprit. I don't know why it's so hard to choose you before everyone else. I am sorry for making you feel horrible even when some people said good about you. It took me time to accept you and I am still learning how to love you. I am sor…

This Time, Last Year

The days are long but the years are short.

Some years are better than others. Some of the "others" you'll never forget because they change the course of your life forever. Last year was that year for me, and I'm still paying the price for it. The year started off hopeful, but quickly dissolved into worry as I dealt with some personal challenges as well as mental health issues that required tests, follow-ups and more appointments; my depression and anxiety flared to levels I'd never experienced. Many days I could hardly get out of bed and I had a general sense of doom.

It's normal to celebrate anniversary; birthdays, weddings and relationship milestones to name a few. Today however, I have a celebration of a different nature; I celebrated the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I celebrated this anniversary not by having cake or a party, but by being as alive as I possibly could be the next day. It's been a long process and I'm still not do…

This too Shall Pass; Journey to Recovery

He will make a way out for you when you least expect it. A way out of your hurt, your pain, your difficult. Whatever it may be, He has control over all things. Remember Him and He will remember you
Ya Allah, there will be better days, I know there will. You've promised it. And I see it in your creation. I see it in the beautiful flowers that bloom when everything was once brown. I see it in the tide when it rises and falls. I see it after the storm and the rain ceases and calm. I see it all around me without even needing to ask. Sometimes it is so difficult to imagine and see any good around but when I take a moment to reflect, to allow my emotions to calm and to think of You, there is nothing but hope. 
There is nothing but happiness and joy knowing that You are in full control. There is nothing but comfort knowing that when everything seems destined for failure that You are the one that has written my destiny. That you are the most kind, generous, loving and wise. I can sleep soun…

Allah swt Won't Give More Than You Can Handle

Today, I sat in my hotel room with an empty screen in front of me for a couple of minutes; I just sat there and stared. The circumstances in my life had become overwhelming, everything was crumbling, and my world was falling apart. The pain was cutting so deeply within me that I did not know how to react. I was so numb and yet hurting at the same time. It's like my heart just becomes fed up of having to deal with the same kind of hurt over and over again, that it puts it at a stop for me. Maybe this pain keeps me grounded to Allah. Maybe it's Allah's blessing upon me that I hurt to the point I have no point left but to seek His support and love. Not going to lie, I've been an ignorant person in the past. The pain humbles me. I've been aggressive, dismissive, sometimes rude and on the path of sin. This pain put an end to it all. Now that I hurt so much, I have no energy left in me to be disrespectful to Allah swt or His creation. So I'm just going to honour it a…

Healing Through Forgiveness

Pray for guidance. Pray for strength. Pray for patience. Pray for understanding. Pray for protection. Pray for the best and put your trust in Allah swt. The Knower of the unseen and the Witnessed. The Merciful. Alhamdulillah for everything

I'm walking. And I'm walking down this path. I don't know if it's the right one, my eyes are blurred from tears. My throat is sore from screaming for help, my body is drained from breaking over and over again. I can't see much, I can barely see the difference between the road and pavement. But I'm walking, my legs are shaking. My feet are swollen, my mind splattered. But I'm walking, I keep walking. Sometimes I come to a stop. And I wonder what's the point. Sometimes I decided to sit down, maybe even make a temporary home. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to know where to go, what to do. Sometimes I force my legs to move because if I stand there too long, I'll drop. I will drop deep. Sometimes I cry and sob, w…