Healing Through Forgiveness

Pray for guidance. Pray for strength. Pray for patience. Pray for understanding. Pray for protection. Pray for the best and put your trust in Allah swt. The Knower of the unseen and the Witnessed. The Merciful. Alhamdulillah for everything

I'm walking. And I'm walking down this path. I don't know if it's the right one, my eyes are blurred from tears. My throat is sore from screaming for help, my body is drained from breaking over and over again. I can't see much, I can barely see the difference between the road and pavement. But I'm walking, my legs are shaking. My feet are swollen, my mind splattered. But I'm walking, I keep walking. Sometimes I come to a stop. And I wonder what's the point. Sometimes I decided to sit down, maybe even make a temporary home. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to know where to go, what to do. Sometimes I force my legs to move because if I stand there too long, I'll drop. I will drop deep. Sometimes I cry and sob, w…

A New Chance At Life?

There are pain that hurts too much to speak of and scars too evident to hide from
Imagine lying in a dark room, having taken a large overdose; life doesn't get much worse than that. The sense of despair is overwhelming. Every second of living is a second too many, every thought of burden, every breath is an unwanted delay to your longed-for death. The wish to be swallowed up into oblivion is overwhelming. You forget your friends, your happy times, your blessings, even your family. You feel ashamed and worthless. Life looses its coloraturas, its purpose and its preciousness. The only way is down.  
Saturday. December 22nd, 2018. After performing mySubuhprayer at the nearbysurau,I was feeling edgy and anxious. My heart was heavy. When I arrived home, the first thing I did was rushing into my room and called my sister, my brother and couple of friends. To be quite honest, after making all the calls and as I sat in my room, I had no idea what I was waiting for, however my anxiety was at…

Reflection on the Hardest Year of My Life

The year has been hard. Almost impossible. Honestly, there were days I didn't think I would make it through this year. 

There's a lot I've had to learn through the hardest of ways and going forward, I expect there's much more I have left to endure. There is part of me that feels it is a miracle that I am here at the end of this year. I threatened to quit, I questioned my sanity, I doubted my capacity. I lost faith and belief in myself and I found myself in tears many times over wondering what had happened. It was dark in my head and painful in my chest.
This whole year has changed me into someone I can barely recognise. But, in all honesty, there's a few things I'm glad I've learned now rather than later. I've had to see the sides of people that I always closed my heart to seeing as negative previously. I've had to remove people from my life who had done nothing but harm. And I'm glad that I was strong enough to put a stop to it. I'm glad Alla…

Every Year, It Becomes A Little More Bearable

12 years ago today, my mom passed away. It's been 12 years of being alive and doing life things without a mom. Somehow, it's still hard to believe she's gone. My brain goes through the timeline and I find myself transported to 2006 and all the various events surrounding her sickness. The feeling of going to the hospital, of seeing her change, of seeing myself and my family wrestle with the news. Then I think of all the wonderful things about her and all the ways she made me better. It's a day of mixed emotions to say the least.
So much has happened in 12 years and so much more will happen in the next 12 years and the 12 years after that as well.

There's so much of my life my mom will never be here with me to experience
This anniversary could be the worst one yet; today, I'm split down the middle. I've officially spent an equal amount of time on this earth with my mom and without her.
Her passing isn't the defining feature of me, but it is an integral part o…

Taking Care of Myself From The Inside Out

It is narrated in an authentic Hadith that the Prophet said, 

"Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before you're death." 

As someone with MDD and generalised anxiety disorder, I feel like I have been on a lifelong quest to take better care of myself.

Essentially, depression lies to you; about everything. And when you used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realise that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality. It's hard not to trust your thoughts and it's hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn't, but it's an important exercise, even you only do it in small dosses at first.

I spent the last 7/ 8 months steeped in profound physical, emotional, and mental anguish. 

The shame was the worst part. 

Despite months…

I'm On The Mend

He is breaking you to heal you.

"from the perfection of Allah's ihsan is that He allows His slave to taste the bitterness of the break before the sweetness of the mend. He does not break His believing slave, except to mend him. And He does not withhold from him, except to give him. And He does not test him (with hardship), except to cure him."- Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah
I wonder when was the last time I smiled (wide smile) because my heart always felt warm. I wish I had captured those moments, I could look at them now and smile but guess what? I was too busy living those moments back then.

The healing process is ugly as hell. It's not bubble baths and aromatherapy. It's accountability which brings guilt. It's getting to the root of your issues which triggering and intense. It hurts, so I walked away; I walked as far as I could. It wasn't easy. I guess, healing is never an easy process but just like when we are bonded, new skin grows back and it heals eventuall…

Fight off the Gloomy Weather; The Fight of My Life

Photo taken by yours truly @Merese Hills, Lombok Indonesia - August 2018 

When your mind won't let your body move.
One of the hardest thing to explain to other people about depression is that it robs you of control not just over your emotions, but over your physical body as well. It can begin as a general slowing of your mental and physical processes, and worsen into a near-paralysis. Of all the things I hate about this illness, I think this tops the list.
I don't just mean that it's hard to move; I mean it's practically impossible. Let's say there's a box of Ferrero Rocher in front of me, waiting to be eaten. Ferrero Rocher is my favourite and I love to eat it while its cold (frozen); I like to put it inside the fridge. But when I'm severely depressed, I can't summon up the energy or will power necessary to make my hand move to the table and grasp it. The Ferrero Rocher just sits in front of me, taunting me while it melt; who's "frozen" now?