Healing is On Its Way

Trial and tribulations are part and parcel of this worldly life. We can't escape them, but we can learn how to deal with it. 

Bismillah ir Rahman ir Rahim,

My inner-self needs to be pure and content in order for my outer-self to glow and function adequately. So, I have to keep track of my own thoughts and whenever the indicates gloominess and negativity, I can't give in to those memories and desolate myself, but retreat by remembering Allah swt. I'll need to let my brain know that it is worthless to dwell about despairing thoughts and there is more to life. 

Practice, practice and practice its continuously until my brain is accustomed to the chain of positivity, InsyaAllah.

Self-reflection is extremely important for me to become aware of myself and a way I can control my heart from despairing when a calamity occurs. Trying to not asking questions like "why did this happen to me?" However, convert it into "what did I learn from this?" or "how has this changed me?" will be much more effective in pulling my heart from sadness and grief. I'm telling myself continuously "I'm accountable for my behaviour and I have to be the best version of myself". Hoping that the ability to confront myself and admit to myself the areas I need to grow and improve will lead to a sense of inner peace, InsyaAllah.

Just to reflect, at the start of 2018 (April), I was in the depths of the worst depression I have ever experienced. My public face was a mask of success, confidence and happiness, but privately I was defeated. Work, life was at a standstill and I was broken. I lost a lot of weight and unhappy with my tired, skinny body and was unable to concentrate on anything apart from my persistent grief and self-loathing. Every waking moment was filled with crushing anxiety and heavy sadness. I couldn't sleep, and all I seemed to be capable of achieving each day was crying. I isolated, overwhelmed, and suffocated by my own thoughts. I was suicidal and found that external pain temporarily numbed my internal pain. Doctors, meds, therapy, support group had done nothing to remove the darkness that hung over me like a rain cloud. After couple of years, I felt I had used up all my "listening ear" favours with friends, and that my permanently low mood made me unattractive company.

Every step I have taken in the past couple of years has been a step away from pain, a step closer to feeling better. Closer to my Creator. 

Today, this lockdown has given me lots of time for self-reflection, my pace of life is slower now. I know not everyone is as lucky. Most of my mind is taken up with thinking about the pandemic and its impact, only the important things are important now and the small things aren't any more.

Often during a catastrophic, we tend to think we are the only ones who are going through a hard time. This is because the pain can be consuming and it's hard to think that someone else would understand what we feel. Our issues and troubles start growing so tremendously that we never ponder on the people who are dealing with something greater. 

"Look at those who are beneath you and do not look at those who are above you, for it is more suitable that you should not consider as less the blessing of Allah" -Sunan Ibn Majah.

Looking at those who have less than us, or are going through a more heavier burden automatically invites gratitude into our hearts. Subsequently, being grateful changes our whole perception about life. Even when it seems like there is no good in your life, thank Allah swt

for the little things we still have. Say "Alhamdulillah" at our lowest, make this a habit and even if the situation is dark, we'll feel optimistic because of that light in our heart.

Lastly, as cliché as it sound; learn to have hope. I always wonder the skies at night and how dark it gets. Does the darkness stay forever? The next day, the sun rises and shines brightly. It is worth waiting for the sunshine so don't dishearten ourself but put our hope in Allah swt. 

"And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah, then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a (decreed) extent" -Quran: chapter 65, verse 3

Even in our darkest times, He has never left us from our side. He'll never leave us behind. Trust Him. You can hide and no one in this world can know that pain you are going through, but you can never hide from Him, He sees and hears and knows everything. Give your heart to Allah and He will give it to someone who deserves it. 

From the pain behind every Alhamdulillah, I am okay, I will be okay. You are hurting, you have to accept that. It is painful, but see this as a blessing in which Allah swt gave you so that you can go back to Him. Failure, pain, sorrow, grief, lost, all these negative feelings give nothing to a person but a step closer to his/ her betterment. I truly believe now that what have happened, it was destined for me, it was written for me that I walk along this path but not to crash me but to make me better, a process we all have to go through. Wallahu a'alam.

I pray that through our heartaches, our failures and all the endeavours we face, we find His guidance hovering upon us, that in His Mercy we also find the ease that we need in our hearts and that He grants us a mind and a heart that sees what is good in every situation so that we can bear every problem and trial with patience and tolerance along with our undying faith in Him.