ON THE MEND

Photo taken during my trip to Pergasingan Hill, Lombok, Indonesia - April 2017 #flashback to the month I realised I have been fooled (and being used). It felt like a tsunami. I was on high alert. My environment looked different. I couldn't get my bearings. My heart beats faster, I'm wide awake and aware but I'm not thinking. It's like the moment before a dam bursts. Then the energy rushes out, along with an outpouring of thoughts. Everything in my life seemed torn apart. I tried to understand what have happened, but everything seemed different and I couldn't distinguish what was the truth and what was my imagination. My normal, predictable life (which I absolutely loved, by the way) have been virtually shattered overnight. Not only did it culminate in a very bitter war, it also marked the onset of a toxic poison that had begun to work into my veins: resentment. The hurt goes deep. What makes the pain worse is that I was wrong. I did not have it coming. Y

Photo taken by yours truly @Timang Island, Yogyakarta - February 2018 Ya Allah, I come to you and ask for your help. I know that I am to forgive others as you have forgiven me, but I find it so hard to do it. My mind and heart are full of anger for the things that have been said and done. At times it seems as though the ones that inflict pain and wounds are unrepentant, that they escape judgement. I'm angry for what they have taken from me and for the pain they caused me. Ya Allah, please help me to see with your eyes. Help me to remember that forgiveness is for me and not for others. Help me to remember that my forgiveness  does not depend on them apologising or repenting, help me to remember that forgiveness is between me and you. I am releasing my pain and my hurt and my anger to you and I am asking for your help in forgiving others so I can be free. I want to forgive and leave this heavy weight at my feet so I can be set free. I no longer want to held ho

Photo taken by yours truly @Bali, Indonesia - September 2017 I owe them my entire thanks for getting me through some very tough times. I didn't choose this. No one would choose to feel this way, I promise you. Please be gentle with me. I know I look the same, but inside, I don't feel like me. Or rather I feel like the most uncomfortable edges of me; right now, I am made of all doubt and fear. I feel so fragile. I know this is hard for others too, but please don't withdraw. Please don't give up on me.  I can't think of much besides my own pain right now. This is one of the most devious parts of depression I guess; it's so selfish. The reason I'm acting selfish is because I'm in constant emotional pain. I can't stop thinking about how much I hurt, because I just hurt so damned much.  But please know that you don't have to fix me. I know when we see someone we care suffering, we want to stop it. But you can't. You can't fix me. I&