ON THE MEND

The year has been hard. Almost impossible. Honestly, there were days I didn't think I would make it through this year.  There's a lot I've had to learn through the hardest of ways and going forward, I expect there's much more I have left to endure. There is part of me that feels it is a miracle that I am here at the end of this year. I threatened to quit, I questioned my sanity, I doubted my capacity. I lost faith and belief in myself and I found myself in tears many times over wondering what had happened. It was dark in my head and painful in my chest. This whole year has changed me into someone I can barely recognise. But, in all honesty, there's a few things I'm glad I've learned now rather than later. I've had to see the sides of people that I always closed my heart to seeing as negative previously. I've had to remove people from my life who had done nothing but harm. And I'm glad that I was strong enough to put a stop to it. I

12 years ago today, my mom passed away. It's been 12 years of being alive and doing life things without a mom. Somehow, it's still hard to believe she's gone. My brain goes through the timeline and I find myself transported to 2006 and all the various events surrounding her sickness. The feeling of going to the hospital, of seeing her change, of seeing myself and my family wrestle with the news. Then I think of all the wonderful things about her and all the ways she made me better. It's a day of mixed emotions to say the least. So much has happened in 12 years and so much more will happen in the next 12 years and the 12 years after that as well. There's so much of my life my mom will never be here with me to experience This anniversary could be the worst one yet; today, I'm split down the middle. I've officially spent an equal amount of time on this earth with my mom and without her. Her passing isn't the defining feature of me, but

Photo taken during my recent trip to Lombok, Indonesia - October 2018 It is narrated in an authentic Hadith that the Prophet said,  "Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before you're death."  As someone with MDD and generalised anxiety disorder, I feel like I have been on a lifelong quest to take better care of myself. Essentially, depression lies to you; about everything. And when you used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realise that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality. It's hard not to trust your thoughts and it's hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn't, but it's an important exercise, even you only do it in small dosses at first. I spent the last 7/ 8 months steeped in profoun