Taking Care of Myself From The Inside Out

Photo taken during my recent trip to Lombok, Indonesia - October 2018

It is narrated in an authentic Hadith that the Prophet said, 

"Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before you're death." 

As someone with MDD and generalised anxiety disorder, I feel like I have been on a lifelong quest to take better care of myself.

Essentially, depression lies to you; about everything. And when you used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realise that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality. It's hard not to trust your thoughts and it's hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn't, but it's an important exercise, even you only do it in small dosses at first.

I spent the last 7/ 8 months steeped in profound physical, emotional, and mental anguish. 

The shame was the worst part. 

Despite months of evidence to the contrary, when I couldn't get myself off the bed and couldn't drive for couple of months, when I couldn't enjoy any activity, and when I couldn't smile genuinely at anyone or anything, I truly thought that this was my actual self, my real personality - that I was boring, unmotivated, useless, a loser, selfish; that I was weak, and that all of this was my fault.  

It takes guts, time and guidance to look at past wrongs

Controlling my environment is essential to making progress. The five most prominent lessons I have learned thus far;

Accept what is happening - Acceptance is not surrender. It is simply the opposite of refusal. It is true that admitting I have a problem is the first step in making a change. Acceptance is difficult, especially in a world where depression is still a dirty word. But it is crucial.

Disengage from those who make me feel worse - While no one can fix my struggles, those can't be helpful are likely to be hurtful.

Leaving toxic people isn't selfish. Taking time for yourself isn't selfish. Doing what's best for you isn't selfish. Self love isn't selfish

Talk to my person - for most of my life I took pride in doing things myself, and while I never had a problem offering help, I had trouble asking for it. When I finally mustered up the courage to start talking about what I was going through, I couldn't stop. And I was surprised at the reception all that talking got. My friends and family didn't tell me to shut up and get over it; they didn't scold me for burdening them with my problems. They listened patiently, encouraged me to get it all out, and a brave few even shared similar struggles with me. I cannot emphasise enough the value of having blisteringly honest conversations with those who I trust. They are medicine for the soul.

How to get professional help and don't be afraid to do it - My attitude toward therapy used to be "that's nice, but it's not for me." It took awhile to realise that this was nothing but fear of the unknown steeped in judgement. Judgment that therapy was for the weak, and that being weak was unacceptable, fear of what was out there, what was possible. Don't spend too much time agonising about the fact that you might need to see a therapist. Just do it, trust me. For so long, I thought that asking for help makes you weak (and most of the time I still feel that way), but I now realise that pretending that you don't need help is the real weakness. Having said that, I think that as Muslim we have the best of both worlds. Not only can we seek help externally, but we can also utilise our faith as a life vest to keep us from drowning. Hence, why therapy/ treatment is only one aspect of the solution. Maybe the reason why Allah swt allows us to feel the heaviness in our hearts is because He wants to remind us that He can also give rest. Maybe He is allowing to experience days where we feel empty to make us realise that He alone can make us feel whole. Maybe it is about Sabr (patience); when you dream about roses, but walk on thorns.

Treat my body well - I hated this piece of advise when I came across it on a daily basis in my quest to dig myself out of my mental hellhole. But the reason it's out there so much is because it's a fundamental must. Will running cure my depression? Doubtful. But exercising and eating well is like proper car maintenance. You can get away with not doing it for a while, but soon enough the consequences of prolonged neglect will catch up with you. I went through many rounds of different workouts, yoga, meditation, different meal plans, fasting, and I do not count any of that effort as time wasted. They were all building blocks, trials and errors to get me to place where I can feed myself well and exercise on a consistent enough schedule without much effort. Time is not running out; take as much of it as you need to get yourself to this point. It's a process.

Ya Allah, guide my heart. You're the only one capable of looking after it. For even I've failed it too many times 

As impossible as it may seem, know that such turbulence in life does eventually lead to a greater appreciation and understanding of things. Money definitely couldn't buy the emotional depth I've gained over the year, and if I had the option of wiping all I went through from my memory, I would. 

I know what it's like to be in the thick of things. I know it's almost indescribable. It's abstract, painful and heavy. But you must know that you will get through it. Chipping away, bit-by-bit, inching forward at a pace that is fast enough for you, you'll figure it out. Someday we'll actually be okay. Someday you and I will be okay. And everything will be okay. It's just a matter of getting there. And I know that's always the hardest; the healing. But we'll get there, InsyaAllah. It's just a matter of faith. It's just a matter of patience. We'll make it. 

Promise yourself things will change this time, and you will start taking care of yourself. Promise yourself you will start eating healthier and taking care of your body. Promise yourself you will make sure you get enough sleep and you will focus on thoughts that build you up instead of thoughts that tear you down and eat you up inside. Promise to be gentle and kind to yourself, and to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and although you are still growing and improving, in this very moment, you are enough. And promise yourself you will learn to love yourself enough to keep the promises you make to yourself.

There is a light in you that never goes out. Wallahu a'lam.