To the Ones Who Stood by Me at My Lowest Point and Never Let Me Forget How Special I Am

Photo taken by yours truly @Bali, Indonesia - September 2017

I owe them my entire thanks for getting me through some very tough times. I didn't choose this. No one would choose to feel this way, I promise you.

Please be gentle with me. I know I look the same, but inside, I don't feel like me. Or rather I feel like the most uncomfortable edges of me; right now, I am made of all doubt and fear. I feel so fragile. I know this is hard for others too, but please don't withdraw. Please don't give up on me. 

I can't think of much besides my own pain right now. This is one of the most devious parts of depression I guess; it's so selfish. The reason I'm acting selfish is because I'm in constant emotional pain. I can't stop thinking about how much I hurt, because I just hurt so damned much. 

But please know that you don't have to fix me. I know when we see someone we care suffering, we want to stop it. But you can't. You can't fix me. I'm not sure even I can fix myself. Some mystery of time and medication, of self-care and chemistry will see me out of this. What I need from you is your patience, your support. The only reason I really come to you is because I have learned to trust people and I don't trust very many. It takes a lot for me to open up and talk about my actual feelings. To be honest, I would rather just hide my emotions and just put up a front.

I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with my heartache rather than just keeping them all bottled up inside. When I come to you with my struggles, you listen as I let things off my chest. It makes me feel better knowing that I won't be judged and you will tell me like it is.

Thank you for the positive affirmations. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved, reminding me that I still look good, reminding me that happiness is within my grasp. You made me believe that I am better than I was and that I will be better than I am. Thank you for loving me as I am. Thank you for not brushing my tears aside. Thank you for listening to me without agendas and for not forcing me to be any different than I am. Thank you for being okay with my sadness, for acknowledging my illness, and for not thinking I am any less of a person for being depressed. 

Thank you for listening. I know that being my friend especially at this point of time means a lot nights for you. It means hearing my sadness, my fears, my emotional illness in full force. I know how draining it is for you. Even when it seems like I'm just talking in circles, you are lightening the load for me, making things easier. Thank you for pushing me. You know when I truly need time to myself, and when I need to get up and... live. Thank you for telling me it is okay. Somehow you always understand. your patience seems never-ending. Everyday I expect you to be like "OMG you are an annoying little shit! Bye Chael!" but it never comes. Thank you for making time. You always pick up my calls, even when it is 2:00AM/ 3:00AM. I never have breakdowns when it is convenient, but somehow your watch is always set to my time. Thank you for dealing with my anxious moments. How you keep listening as we describe how my acne is probably fatal, or my heartache is probably a heart attack, I have no idea but I'm so grateful you do. Thank you for all the times you could have given up on me, but you didn't. Everyone would understand, but the thought doesn't cross your mind. Thank you for calling me out on my bullshit. I have a lot of it sometimes. Like when I told you that I didn't want to go for a treatment. I told you that I wasn't ready. I told you that I was fine and happy. You told me no, I'm not fine and also that it's about time to get real help. Thank you for encouraging me to get the treatment. Because your love helps, but you aren't a professional. Thank you for the time that you told me that I made your life better. It was the most beautiful thing I ever heard.

As I continue fighting, I am truly grateful for you standing by my side. Although you play such an important role in my life, this is not your burden and healing is not your responsibility. It will take me a while to figure out who I am, I'm still struggling a little bit, but I'm getting there and I like where it is going so far. I am working to get better; I promise and like a marathon, I can't wait to see you at the finishing line.