The F Word

Photo taken during my recent trip to Ubud, Bali Indonesia - September 2018

Forgiveness. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? 

Sometimes the simplest things in life are the hardest. Forgiveness is a hard task especially when extremely hurt, but if you want to be happy and move on peacefully, then you must work at it. Some feel that it isn’t worth it, perhaps the individual doesn’t mean much to them. Maybe they are not worth much to you but they are worth something in Allah swt eyes.

As much as people will try to help us move forward, and as much as we try to let go of the past, truly, it’s easier said than done. Yes, we are all humans and we all make mistakes, but somehow it's easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves, simply because we hold ourselves to higher standards. Other people do not live inside our heads the way we do. We can’t help but listen to that creepy voice in our minds that relentlessly reminds us of our failures and puts us down, no matter how hard we try to move on.

Five months ago my world was turned. Spinning actually. The pain was so intense that occasionally I felt as though I had left my body and my legs would give out. All I could do was surrender, to get really vulnerable, and to let spirit guide me through. Being human and having family and friends gave me the tools to embrace the darkness, but it did not make the pain any less, or shorten the time it took for the grief to move through me.

Deep down, I know that fear has been holding me back from moving on. Although fear is unpleasant, it keeps me safe from further hurt, but it also keeps me from further joy.

It is really hard to forgive, whether it is forgiving yourself or others. I admit that I’m working on this and trust Allah swt will never be unjust. It’s easy to say, “I forgive you”. The hard part is getting to a place where my heart is clear, where I have no resentment or fear. 

How can we act like nothing ever happened when someone had heartlessly torn us apart, without ever considering our position, struggle, and feelings at the time? How can we be kind back when they had treated us with such betrayal? Personally, if there is one thing I struggle almost all my life, it must be exercising forgiveness.

Even when every cell in your body, every tiny atom in your soul is screaming that the person who wronged you doesn’t deserve it: I guess, you have to do it. A friend told me recently saying that to forgive someone is easy, the real test begins after, when you have to teach yourself to let go of the anger and pain in your heart. That takes a lot (at least for me). And it’s a process, maybe it takes me years and maybe I spend a lifetime working on it but I have to try. I really have to try. 

Forgiveness is a long process. You may need to do it again and again. And Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to let them back in. Forgiveness means not wishing them harm, although bitterness may exist. I guess, it's also about mindfulness to see the bigger picture that everything happens in our life, happens by the will of Allah swt. One of our forgotten purpose of life is to learn lesson and grow our soul. Allah swt arranges you to cross path with people, places, things and circumstances, so you can extract lessons with them; including from the bitter ones. 

On the note of forgiveness: forgive yourself. Don’t fester in self-blame. This is honestly one of the biggest things for me; I struggle massively with letting go of guilt. And disappointing people and screwing up usually takes a while to get over but when you feel like you let Allah swt down with your behaviour, it can take more than a while to forgive yourself. Do know that you are not the first to slip up or hurt someone or say something that was out of line and you most definitely won’t be the last.

Today, I have a completely different definition of forgiveness. This is my perspective now; “I will never ever forget the pain that YOU caused me, because this is a lesson that I will learn. I no longer wish to be a prisoner of my past, so I let go of all the emotional charge related to that event". I hope this definition will freed me from the shackles of my pain. I don’t need to hold a grudge or hate someone for what they did to me. I can carry on with my life, and create a beautiful future for myself and the people in my (small) circle.

“We are human no angel”, we (will) make mistakes, but what makes us different from the Shaytan is we repent, and therefore we should seek forgiveness from those we hurt and those who hurt us. You never know if Allah swt will not forgive you because you refused to forgive another. Learn from your actions, pray and repent, say sorry where and as you need to and then slowly, start letting it go. If it’s proving difficult, counteract whatever you did by doing extra good stuff. Don’t hold on to things or beat yourself up for a single mistake. ‘Tis a trick of the devil, to get you dwelling on your past grievances so much so that it consumes you and engulfs your capacity to recompense by filling you with shame and guilt. So let it gooooo, let it goooo. (sorry, I couldn’t resist!).

Forgiveness carries such a great reward exactly because it takes such patience and mercy. You’d be surprised what a simple “forgive me” would do, or “I forgive”, would mean to another. It just may open your doors to a more fruitful and peaceful life and afterlife, InsyaAllah. So ask yourself (I'm asking myself too as I'm writing this), have you ever upset anyone, have you asked for their forgiveness? Has anyone upset you, would you accept their forgiveness? If so don’t wait for them to make the first move, Allah swt is waiting on whom to give his blessings to, will it be you? Truly, I can't answer this. At this point of time, it's really hard for me to answer this.

Well, it's definitely not a walk in the park for me. But I trust Allah swt is always with me; He will guide me.