Ending It Seemed Like The Only Way To Make The Pain Stop

Photo taken by yours truly @Nusa Penida, Indonesia - September 2019

It's hard to watch someone suffer. Period. It's also really hard to see someone struggle with something when you think you have an idea of what the answer is

So many of us want to offer things that we know will help the people we love and care for. We want to save them from their pain. We want to save them from the suffering. Sometimes, we just want to give answers to help them cut to the chase. But that's not how it works. People have to claim their own work. They have to claim their healing. They have to earn their transformation so that they can trust it. If you do the way for them, they won't be able to trust it. The only way for it to be fully trusted is when it's integrated by the person themselves. 

This month will be the 9-month since my suicide attempt. I'd love to tell you that a hospital stay, some medications, and a few therapy sessions silenced the voice, but that wouldn't be true. I did all those things, of course and more. And slowly, over many months things did get better. I got better. 

I think about dying but I don't want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There's so much to see and so much to do but somehow still find myself doing nothing at all, still in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can't quite figure out how to get out of it

Since my attempt, I realised I had to learn how to give ourself and others love, light, softness and care. I have made a conscious effort to give voice to my pain and my struggles; in therapy and with family and friends and through that I have learned I am not alone. I have learned how to not feel ashamed of having attempted suicide. I talk about it openly (with selected people, of course) and candidly in an effort to reduce stigma. When the going gets rough and if the thoughts of suicide do not subside quickly, I ask for help. I talk to people I trust. I remind myself that my life is not mine to take. I remind myself that the feeling will pass, just as every feeling does.

The feeling that I can recall most vividly was a contrast between the anxiety and fear of what I was about to do, and the freedom that was just a millisecond away. It was cold against my skin and my mind started to race with a mix of emotions. Anger, fear, excitement, sadness, regret, relief. I told myself it would all be over soon. My heart was racing and I was crying hysterically. At that very second, I grabbed every single pill I have in front of me and swallowed. And before you knew it, I started cutting my wrist. Cutting was the only attempt to relieve that extreme tension; it seems like a way of feeling in control. 

Here's a few things I'd like to share about my suicide attempt:

• I wasn't running from my problems. I was desperately searching for a way to conquer them
• It wasn't about dying. It was about escaping the horrendous pain
• My attempt was not a cry for attention
• I feel as though suicide nearly stole my life

You're not alone. I've been there, 

and I know the darkness doesn't have to last

My depression didn't end after my attempt. I'm still in therapy. Slightly better now. I guess, medications and other therapies have allowed me to find a balance that I can sustain. I still cry. I still feel guilty for what I put my family and friends through. I feel lucky that my family and friends rallied around me to love me and care for me after my attempt, instead of shoving me aside. 

Based on what I have read online and engaged with other suicide attempt survivors, it's common for suicidal thoughts to return after your suicide attempt. It's not a sign you have failed or that you are not recovering. Recovery from a suicide attempt is about building strategies and confidence in managing thoughts about death and suicide if or when they return. To me, I find that my suicidal thoughts can automatically return in response to situations of significant stress or tension. 

After a suicide attempt, it can be hard to see what the future holds. It might help to see this time as a turning point; an opportunity for you to find your way back. You will still have ups and downs. Recovery can take time. Your greatest need is to clean out the enormous mass of mental and emotional rubbish that clutters your mind. You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes everyday. This is a power you can cultivate. In most cases, that's the only thing you should be trying to control.


It also important to involve others to help you and the person you're supporting; don't try to do everything yourself. 

The past is past. You can't change it and whatever has happened is out of your control. Truth is, the past can hurt, but it's also what you make of it. Choose to let those memories go. Learn whatever lessons you can but don't dwell and keep harping on them 

Between the intrusive thoughts and the difficult feelings, I was really struggling to keep my head above water. Not because I am less than anyone else, or because I can't handle this thing called life, but because I have struggled with mental illness. I don't call this out a lot, because I too still struggle with admitting it sometimes. I still struggle that some weeks are worse than others and completely out of my control.

You don't need to be ashamed for what goes on in your head. Instead, we need to pay attention to the little moments that give us an opportunity to pay attention, give ourselves a time out, and to make a difference so that we can bring on tomorrow.

With MIASA's initiatives and mental health month close behind, I want to make sure that I am being true to what I preach. It really is okay not to be okay, and sometimes it is controllable, other times it is not. The important part is that you know when and how to speak up and that you know what your support systems look like. 

As suicide rates continue to raise, now is the time to look beyond negative stereotypes about mental illness. This requires empathy, the kind of understanding that starts when we withhold judgement and look beyond what we can't objectively understand to change society's perspective on diseases of the mind and how we talk about them. 

Every single one of those deaths is a tragedy that devastates families, friends and communities. It's crucial to have better understanding of why there has been such an increase. We know that suicide is not inevitable, it is preventable and encouraging steps have been made to prevent suicide, but we need to look at suicide as a serious public health issue.

When we stand shoulder to shoulder and work with others, more is possible. As we mark World Suicide Prevention Day, I encourage you to learn more about the symptoms and signs of suicide ideation and to seek help if you are struggling. Mental health and suicide prevention can be difficult to talk about, however the best way to make it easier is to take that first, courageous step and have a chat with someone you trust. If you're not in a position to talk to someone face to face, please consider reaching out to any relevant organisations. Personally, I will do all that I can to get the kind of change we need in suicide prevention but each of us can play a critical role in the lives of those around us. We are brought together by experience and unified by hope, InsyaAllah. 

#MHKindness #WedoEmpathy