Every Year, It Becomes A Little More Bearable

12 years ago today, my mom passed away. It's been 12 years of being alive and doing life things without a mom. Somehow, it's still hard to believe she's gone. My brain goes through the timeline and I find myself transported to 2006 and all the various events surrounding her sickness. The feeling of going to the hospital, of seeing her change, of seeing myself and my family wrestle with the news. Then I think of all the wonderful things about her and all the ways she made me better. It's a day of mixed emotions to say the least.

So much has happened in 12 years and so much more will happen in the next 12 years and the 12 years after that as well.

There's so much of my life my mom will never be here with me to experience

This anniversary could be the worst one yet; today, I'm split down the middle. I've officially spent an equal amount of time on this earth with my mom and without her.

Her passing isn't the defining feature of me, but it is an integral part of who I am today. Her illness and dealing with that for so many years, made me stronger, resilient and more empathetic. December 19th is part of my story and every year I'll grapple with those memories. I will never stop grieving for her, preferring to think of grief like an ocean, ebbing and flowing as the ties comes in and goes out. Sometimes it touches your toes as you stand in the sand and other times your feet stay dry. But it's always moving and flowing, perpetually headed towards you.

When I was a kid, I never thought it would feel so challenging to do things without my mom. Mainly because I spent most of my adolescence finagling ways to do anything I could without her; like going to the mall, to the movie, clubbing/ gig. One thing I've learned through my grieving process is that time really does heal. After 12 years of being a motherless son, I now find it easier to cope with life without her. Because life without her is my reality. The reality of no longer having the unconditional love and support from my mom, someone who truly believed I was one of three of the most special people ever to walk on Earth (the others being my brother and sister). As upsetting as that reality is, it's just the way it is. And I accept it, because I have to. But don't get me wrong, I still grieve and I don't plan on ever not grieving. 

She did so much for others, but what she did for me and my family is beyond telling. She's the one who facilitated all my learnings. As my siblings and I recall of our mother's many good points, one thing that stands out is what a good wife and mother she was, Masha'Allah. When people hear 'good wife' they might think 'submissive, meek, easily-controlled' etc. and this is such a fallacy and so far from the truth. On the contrary, my mother was strong, reliable, active, loyal and was always there for everyone especially to her husband and children. She was a woman who controlled her tongue and only said goodly words. Her respect and love for my father was unmatched. Charity started at home, and her beautiful and respectful relationship with my father and all of us simply spilled on to the larger community and internationally. You can never really have an impact on the world if your own home is in shambles, because ripples work outwards, never inwards. 

Mama, may Allah swt accept you into His Mercy, shower His forgiveness upon you, and prepare your grave as the best of earthly abodes; spacious and filled with lights. I ask Him to open the window of Paradise to you, and fill you with peace and happiness. May the Angles greet you as they greet the Prophets, truthful ones, righteous and may you be accepted as one of them

Mama, I miss you. I wish you were here. Especially now. Sometimes I landed on solid ground, sometimes I landed in a pond and almost drowned. But I'm still here, I survived. Know that you are missed more than words could ever say. I've felt your absence everyday of my life since you were stolen from me. I fell into a never-ending well of agony after you gone. Ever since, depression ran into my veins alongside my blood. The blood became rough and scraped up my heart.

Depression led me crawling through my days. I tell you this not to make you sad but to let you know how much of an impact losing you had on my young life. I did many things I shouldn't have. I gave up many things you had loved right alongside me, but somehow with you gone, they didn't matter anymore. The joy of them was stripped from me. I became empty. I searched for many things to fill myself up. Many were bad things, but some were good. I could never forget you. A part of me is still lost and I'm wondering if I will ever get it back. Maybe that piece is in heaven with you and someday you can put it back in me and I will be whole again.

The loss of you made me strong. I love that I became strong, but I hate that I had to lose you to do it. I often pray that you are able to know some of my joys. I hope you can know some small piece of my life. I wish you could have felt in your heart the excitement I had for all my achievements. You missed it all, but I'm hoping someday I will see you and you will tell me you were there with me. Oh how I could have used your help. 

December 19th 2006, it was the worst moment of my life but it taught me the most about myself and I treasure every moment I had with her. So this anniversary, I will honour the incredible life she had that ended too soon and the way she shaped me to be the man I am today. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un.