Reflection on the Hardest Year of My Life

The year has been hard. Almost impossible. Honestly, there were days I didn't think I would make it through this year. 

There's a lot I've had to learn through the hardest of ways and going forward, I expect there's much more I have left to endure. There is part of me that feels it is a miracle that I am here at the end of this year. I threatened to quit, I questioned my sanity, I doubted my capacity. I lost faith and belief in myself and I found myself in tears many times over wondering what had happened. It was dark in my head and painful in my chest.

This whole year has changed me into someone I can barely recognise. But, in all honesty, there's a few things I'm glad I've learned now rather than later. I've had to see the sides of people that I always closed my heart to seeing as negative previously. I've had to remove people from my life who had done nothing but harm. And I'm glad that I was strong enough to put a stop to it. I'm glad Allah swt showed me their true colours before they were able to hurt me even more. I didn't anticipate the emotional upheaval and torment that would come along with this learning curve. I felt like I was punched in the heart, I was angry with the universe for putting me on this beautiful place. I spent many nights in panic and anxious where I thought to myself "maybe I am not cut out to this", "maybe I was delusional to think I could pull this off". "maybe this is not meant for me".

And I know this year hasn't exactly unfolded the way I expected to. I know there's a lot I wanted to happen, and a lot of plans I had in mind, but I guess it just wasn't my time. I guess it just wasn't right for me in the long term. And I know now more than ever that my plan is nothing compared to Allah's plan for me. I learned the hard way the dunya can really take from you, the little happiness it once might have given you. And I learned above this, Allah knows best.

In short, it wasn't all roses this year. many times I had to fight tooth and nail to find and regain myself, my strength, my belief, and my purpose.

I was tired of giving up on myself. I was tired of questioning. I was tired of being tired. And I was tired of having lost the fight for myself

I had to learn forgiveness and compassion on a deeper level this year. Because what was the hardest of all was how much I was beating myself up. For failing, even though I had not even begun. For disappointing others, even though everyone was saying how proud they were of me. For being human and for not always knowing how to pull myself out of my own darkness. I had to forgive myself for not knowing, I had to have compassion for my learning curve and appreciation of what it was giving to me. I had to hold space for myself as old lessons and wounds from deep within the past re-opened as I forged a new foundation for what is to come.

I think the best I ever did for my mental health was respect myself enough to walk away from what harmed me. I spent too much of my time trying to fix what was broken, something I couldn't fix but I tried my hardest. I ended up exhausting myself, doubting my character and intentions. It's an amazing feeling when you put all your trust into Allah swt, and just pray for the best. Every hardship has a reward and sometimes you have to just let it go, because letting go is better than holding on something that eventually kill you.

I know how lucky I am to have more than one faithful companion on this journey

Before the year ends, I would like to thank to the ones who stood by me at my lowest point (especially during the December 22nd, 2018 incident). Thank you for your kindness. You will never know how often the smallest gestures made the biggest difference. On days when I could do was cry, or others where all I wanted was to become invisible, your kindness mattered. Your listening ear, your gentle hug, your affirmation that I matter in this world all changed my outlook, or at least my day. Thank you for being there. There have been times when simply your presence in the room made me feel safe. Sometimes just knowing in that moment I was not alone saved my life. The words "thank you" seem so inadequate, and yet they are all I have to offer. The time and effort you put into our relationship does not go unnoticed. I know I can never repay you, but please know that I am eternally grateful. Thank you for making an effort to reach out to me every day. Thank you for realising that while I rarely ask, I often need help and support. Thank you for all you have done, all you have put up with, and all you will do in the future. 

I believe that throughout it all, I have been given another chance at living and improve myself as a human being. Allah has opened my eyes to appreciate those around me who cares for me

My depression is at bay at the moment and I am able to write this thank you note. Please remember this, for it is only a matter of time before depression crashes down on me again. I will once again be too exhausted to speak, too "broken" to move, too ashamed to feel I deserve such wonderful friends and family. When that time comes, please be there. Please hold me. Please stay by my side and do know that even I can't muster the courage to speak, I am always grateful.

I pray Allah swt only gives you more happiness in life. I pray He never put you in a situation where you have to feel what I feel; go through what I gone through 

Ya Allah, I'm not strong. I will never be strong on my own. I'm always going to be in need of your mercy to help me even do something as simple as blink. I know there are times when I forget you, times when I don't praise you enough. So forgive me. I have no one besides you. I have nowhere to go, except near you. Even if sometimes I become unworthy of it, I still have hope in your endless mercy.