April (2018) Fooled!

Photo taken during my trip to Pergasingan Hill, Lombok, Indonesia - April 2017

#flashback to the month I realised I have been fooled (and being used).

It felt like a tsunami. I was on high alert. My environment looked different. I couldn't get my bearings. My heart beats faster, I'm wide awake and aware but I'm not thinking. It's like the moment before a dam bursts. Then the energy rushes out, along with an outpouring of thoughts. Everything in my life seemed torn apart. I tried to understand what have happened, but everything seemed different and I couldn't distinguish what was the truth and what was my imagination. My normal, predictable life (which I absolutely loved, by the way) have been virtually shattered overnight. Not only did it culminate in a very bitter war, it also marked the onset of a toxic poison that had begun to work into my veins: resentment.

The hurt goes deep. What makes the pain worse is that I was wrong. I did not have it coming. You broke my spirit. You wrecked havoc on myself worth. You emotionally and mentally abused me in ways you'll never understand. You destroyed me.

I became preoccupied with it (of what had happened), unable to think of anything else and it can be hard to concentrate and control the racing thoughts and images my mind conjures up. Everything I thought I knew and believed in now comes into question and I feel lost, confused, aggrieved and betrayed. I wonder what's been real and what's been a farce from the inception of the relationship. At that point of time, my mind went desperately looking for answers. I lost more control over myself and my environment. My thoughts went circles without finding any solution out of it.

I felt ashamed. I didn't want to be around anyone; not because I stopped liking people, but because I didn't want them to catch my weird energy. I have to work very hard not to fixate on irrational fears like the fact that I'm not "good enough" to be anyone's friend. How desperate I might be for companionship, I find myself repeatedly cancelling plans because the idea of having to leave the house (my friend's house) and interact is sometimes more than I can handle. It's easy to write off a person with these symptoms as a "flake" or someone who isn't interested in the friendship, but the sufferers of this illness know this couldn't be further from the case. Sometime we just can't do it. This rollercoaster will take me up quite high where the view is very beautiful then when I suddenly fall downward I'll start to scream. It will keep turn me upside down and rolls around.

I may call what I'm feeling as "anger" (because I have to call it something). But in my heart, I  know that I am also feeling many other things too; sadness, fear, resentment, frustrated, disappointed and so on. There's a rich pool of feelings. I find it impossible to control those disturbing thoughts and feelings; the only thing I can do is lie down and take deep breaths which helps control my breathing but does nothing to combat the sickening feeling that remains as well as the speed of my heartbeat. Apart from that I also experience other symptoms such as low mood, irritability, emotional ups and downs, poor sleep, poor concentration. These symptoms are constant in different combinations everyday.

I made a decision to stay away and refuse to answer it for anyone. Having just had a proverbial knife twisted into my spine by the person I trusted the most, what good could come from anyone knocking on the door with a smile on their face? People hide vicious claws behind their backs, and I refused to be stuck with them again. Nobody deserves to be treated the way I was treated. it was not fair. One thing for sure, I can't change what happened. There is no delete button for the past. I am stuck with it. I can't ever forget what happened. I can't erase it from my mind. It is like a video tape sewed inside my head. And every time it plays its rerun, I feel the pain all over again.

Sometimes I feel like a failure for not being able to deal with this myself and feel like I can't go on any longer, I just want to lead a normal life. My anxiety and panic attacks are there all day. I'm getting worried it will push me over the edge if it doesn't stop soon. I have to make the hard decision, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a pain that I did not deserve to get in the first place? Or do I want to get rid of it, freed from it, so that I can go on with my life without that painful memory shadowing me? the best way for me is to make clear decision and then act directly from there. Or to let it completely and turn my attention to something else, if that is option.