It Has Been Long Enough Now

Photo taken during my trip to Bali, Indonesia - September 2019

I said a little prayer before starting off this post.

Today (April 21st), in 2018 was the day that rocked me to the core. Imagine one day you wake up and you find yourself 30,000 feet above the earth and you are free-falling. You don't know how you got into this situation. But, you feel sheer terror. You instinctively start grabbing everything on your body to feel for something like a parachute cord. You search frantically for this cord that will save your life. You never find the cord. Soon, you punch yourself and tell yourself, "It's all a dream. It's all a bad dream. Isn't it? Wake up. Wake up. WAKE UP!"

You do not wake up. With each second, you grow closer to the ground below. You have not woken up yet and you have not found a parachute cord. A minute later, your body smashes into the earth at 500 miles per hour; your body is shattered into a million pieces. It was not a bad dream and you just died. Everything that was you was obliterated into formless and scattered pieces. 

There are moments it feels so hard to breathe, frighteningly desperate, almost panicky, denial, anger, self-blame, helplessness; it was very hard to get through a conversation, hearing my own voice say the word "I'm fine". Crying becomes the norm

That afternoon was so fuzzy. I was trying to navigate my feelings of panic, anger, pain, yet trying to be coherent realising that those was the darkest moment in my life. Like someone grabbing your heart so tightly it can't beat anymore. You can feel it in both your mind and body. It can even hurt worse than physical pain because it is that powerful. I was lifeless for months after. A complete zombie trying to survive. I felt numb. I cried so hard everyday. I screamed out loud from the pain in my heart that I was afraid others would call the cops thinking I was getting murdered. And I dropped to almost 10kg.

For months after, I wracked my brain revisiting the past, reliving each details, trying to find that one pivotal moment when I could have turned the sail on this sinking ship and avoided the (inevitable) glacier. A few awful memories stand out. Ever since, I can't stop thinking about what happened. I have repeated nightmares (even until now). My faith in trust has demolished. If I'd known something was wrong, maybe I could have stopped it before it got going. I spin between being devastated and being enraged. I can't seem to find any peace, knowing that there is probably more than I will be told. I feel like a goddamn fool, humiliated and broken. I acted irrationally sometimes. My family and friends would be shocked by the new actions of desperation and irrationality that were so at odds with the independent, rational young guy they knew. I looked up research and found various science studies investigating on my condition. I found a wealth of information. Evidently, the brain I knew was experiencing quite a bit of change after that incident.

I have an overwhelming obsessive hatred and anger which I know is not healthy. But I am plagued by negative images and thoughts in my head and it scares me that they will never fade. I make me so anxious that I don't know what way is up. I feel panicked being around people and I feel panicked being alone. My self worth has plummeted to a new low and I am scared I was heading into a bad place. Every morning I wake up overwhelmed with grief that it is still real and I can't breathe. I was disconnected. I don't feel alive. I just feel like I want to run away. I broke down in the morning, during lunch, at night, on the street, in my room, at a train station, to my friends, to my siblings, to my boss. I was a disaster. I have wanted to give up on life may times, but I couldn't.

The pain I felt was real. No one deserves that depth of hell.

The reality is, some things are out of our control. If you had to carefully watch what you said or how you expressed yourself, whether it was good or bad, or disagreed, or anything at all, it wouldn't have mattered. It still would have been wrong or come to this point either now, or later. Because you see, this had nothing to do with YOU

After few months (especially after Dec 22nd 2018's incident), a sense of calm took place. I began to focus on smaller things in life. Gradually things got easier. The months after the incident consisted of extending the time in between breakdowns, that peaceful clam where the world still spun on its axis and life went on. I tried to stay away from the moments when I would get lost trying to search for alternative solutions, analyse past faults, find new evidence to back up a theory explaining, "why?" or grapple with previous guilt. At some point, those periods of calm began to extend from hours to days to weeks to months.

Although I have moved on from the incident, I still remembered it. To this day, I still can, but not to the same powerful extent as that actual moment. Feeling it doesn't mean I still care about it, but it's trauma and trauma is a big deal. Nowadays, I will be able to feel empathy for those going through it as I do and you are the reason I share this in hopes to tell you as a friend, you will be OK. You'll heal and you will move forward and you will absolutely, positively be happy again, InsyaAllah. Let me help you process those feelings and remind you there is hope.

What I want you to remember in a process of healing, there is nothing is wrong with you and there is nothing you should have changed or something you should not or could have done to avoid it from happening

And sometimes, when the fog clears we can look back and see that maybe that person, and that incident wasn't as perfect. Maybe there were flags, but maybe, someone higher up saw that you deserved better, treated better than you were being treated. Couple of years I hated the incident, the illnesses as it was part of my testimony, a permanent part of my written story of my life. I hated that, I really struggled. But my situation and condition brought hope to others over the years. My family and friends saw me rise above the ashes and without that incident happening, I wouldn't know the strength of love my family and friends had for me or the opportunities to share the good news of hope and healing that Allah swt brings.

As tough as it is to acknowledge, you had to go through what you went through in order to get to where you are today, and the evidence is that you did. Every spiritual advance that you will make in your life will very likely be preceded by some kind of fall or seaming disaster. Those dark times, traumas, tough episodes, illnesses were all in order. They happened, so you can assume they had to and you can't unhappen them. But Allah swt is fair, I always keep that in mind. He promised to only challenge us with what we can handle. Do remember that our knowledge in general is close to zero. We don't know why most things happen. What we do know is how we react to these challenges. By being patient, content and thankful (most difficult but highest on the scale). Allah swt even promised reward for every tiny mental and physical pain you endure. Yes, that includes depression and mental illnesses. If people don't understand what it feels like to suffer from the inside, Allah swt surely does and will composite for that. He can also put you through a difficult time to bring you closer to Him. So that He hears your voice calling and getting closer to Him. Showing Him that it's only Him who has the power to fix this all, Him and Him only.

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you want, forgive yourself for everything you're doing to feel better. Forgive yourself for not knowing and for not asking the questions that we pressing against you when something didn't feel right. And let go of any shame - for leaving, for staying, for any of the feelings you felt before the incident or during it or afterwards

Someone said this to me; "the wisest, most loving, and well-rounded people you have ever met are likely those who have been shattered and broken. Yes, life creates the greatest humans by breaking them first. Their destruction into pieces allows them to be fine-tuned and reconstructed into a masterpiece. Truly, it's the painstaking journey of falling apart and coming back together that fills their hearts and minds with a level of compassion, understanding, and deep loving wisdom that can't possibly be acquired any other way". Wallahu a'alam.