You Are Exactly Where Allah Wants You To Be At This Very Moment

Photo taken by yours truly @Nusa Penida, Bali, Indonesia - September 2019

Allah swt has a thousand ways to turn our situation around that we've never even thought of. Just because we don't see a way doesn't mean He doesn't have a way

Allah swt is closer to us than we are to ourselves. If He chooses something for us, there is certainly nothing that would be better than His choice. He knows what we need before we realise it on our own. It's difficult to accept. It's difficult to comprehend; but He doesn't ask that of us. We simple told to trust Him.

To accept the Qadr of Allah doesn't mean it won't hurt. It will. Your heart will ache, your eyes will get filled with tears and in your head, nothing will make sense. But that is when you have to remind yourself that this is what Allah has willed and His choice for you are always better than your wishes. With that hurt in your heart, mess in your head and tears in your eyes, you accept the Qadr of Allah and that is what makes you strong, that is what keeps you going. That's the only thing.

It struck me that I already knew the answer to my own question. I did write about it, after all. But somehow I still needed someone else to tell me what to do. 

Why? Why do I do that?

Why do we do that? Why do we need someone to answer all the questions we have that we already know the answer to deep within our heart? We know we had to just tell ourselves "no" and move forward. But we keep on avoiding it, because when we are at rock-bottom, we are blinded by the darkness and the climb back up just feels so tiresome and cumbersome. 

We ask because we wish someone can give us a shortcut, a magic du'a or advice that will magically bring us and our iman (faith) back up soaring heights.

I've always looked for an answers, thinking if I could "fix" what was wrong, I could "fix" myself, a thought that obviously stemmed from my belief I was somehow responsible for "allowing myself" to get so down, so I could just as easily undo it. 

Every single time I was terrified of what was to come and didn't understand how I would get through it, I did. Every single time I felt like my world was ending and that I couldn't make something happen, I still did. Even when I felt terrified, lost, overwhelmed, unsure, insecure, and unworthy, I still pulled myself through. And looking back on all of it, everything led me to the next stage of who I was. I have to remember all of that in this moment where I'm feeling insecure and vulnerable. I have to remember how many times I felt that way before and how many times I pushed through. I have to find the strength to love and accept myself for who I am at this stage too.

I guess, we have to go through pain every once in a while, that's how it works. Pain is inevitable, pain is relative, pain brings people closer together. Somewhere down the line a revelation will hit you like a comet and when it does, you will finally realise the importance of it all. And you will thank them from the experiences. And you will finally bring down your walls and learn how to move on. How to forgive. How to properly heal. And you will do all these marvellous things but also, you will never forget the way they once made you feel. You will never forget the slow burn that brokenness brings, and you will remind yourself of it every now and then. Also you will do so to remember the importance of letting go. To remember why you should never search for happiness in the same place that left you broken. And to not fall victim of the same people and tragedies that made you feel even more alone. To not fall victim of all things that covered up the sun. Those lessons are valuable.

The healing is beautiful, but not at first. Slow down. You have to break. You have to break some more. You have to shatter, shatter completely, and then when you think there is nothing left of you to break or give or keep, the ground falls from beneath you to let you know, you still have a long way to fall and plenty of pieces left unbroken. This is the ugly part. Because you thought you already broke, thought you already fell and hit bottom hard enough to destroy you. But that bottom you hit was only the beginning. The heart is like windshield with tiny crack and eventually that crack spreads across the surface, branches out to show new edges crossing over the old ones. When you think you have healed the crack, something comes along to show you how it can hurt all over again. 

Some days are harder than others and there are nights that take me to my knees hard, like a punch to the meter of the gut, where my heart begs for the peace of a full stop, flatline. And I can't always remember how to breathe, but for the life of me, I am trying and I am still here

I am full of love but I am also full of sadness and that is a very terrifying thing to know. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and my eyes are fierce with the light that I wish to spread to the long dreary days when the sky is grey and the sunlight dim, I lose track of what I'm doing. I forget my purpose and my goals, and I just want to curl up under a rock. I just want to forget everything and everyone for a while and tuck away inter the tenderness of my heart. You how it can hurt all over again. It's a circle of falling and fighting, crashing and crawling, shattering and standing.  

Sometimes, Allah give you moments of isolation in life. Not just the physical isolation, but more importantly mental isolation. You find it difficult to relate yourself to others. You feel they are far ahead in their journey in life. You can't express or explain what goes through in your heart and mind. You come back to an empty home, fighting battles that only you know about. Or you are surrounded by people and loved ones, but still deal with emptiness inside. But I do believe, sometimes this phase of isolation can be very beneficial. Use this isolation as a phase, to know more about yourself. Your likes, your dislikes. Use this to contemplate what you are actually doing for your Akhira. Use this isolation to gather strength and courage, to be braver in life and distribute that strength to others, helping them with your words and actions. Use this isolation to connect to Allah, like you never did before. Use this isolation as a means of protection and safety, from harms unknown to you. Use this isolation to make your deen and imaan stronger and better. And know that just as Allah kept the man of the cave, safe, sound and protected inside the cave for years, and let them out when it was safe for them. Allah will get you out of this soon, when it's best for you, InsyaAllah.

Today, I promise to take more care of myself from now on. I promise to only make effort with those who make effort with me. I promise I'll try my best to remove myself from those people's lives who do me most harm. I promise to be kind to myself and not blame me for the hurt others cause me. Just a little more patience and I promise one day I'll put myself before everyone else. Someone dear to me said this "don't be afraid to start over again. this time, you are not starting from scratch, you are starting from experience".    

Ya Allah, give me the strength to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference