#openup

I was tired. Really tired last night. I was edgy, emotional and anxious. I sank further and further until finally breaking down and I just couldn't go through the motions anymore when I felt like I was dying inside. It was a constant feeling of unease. All day I've been telling myself what a failure I am, how wrong and weak and stupid I am. I feel broken, defective, betrayed. I feel unworthy, inadequate and a burden. 

I feel like I've lost a lot of things to this illness: time, energy, motivation. But none of these compares with the feeling that I lose myself and my identity when I breakdown.

Six months ago my world was turned. Spinning aggressively. The pain was so intense. All I could do was surrender to get really vulnerable, and to let spirit guide me through. Deep down, I know that fear has been holding me back from moving on. Although fear is unpleasant, it keeps me safe from further hurt, but it also keeps me from further joy. Beyond that, I was angry at myself. I'm angry that I even allowed myself to be fooled. I was disappointed as I was blind enough and allowed myself to be used. All in all, I was mad that I had not taken proper care of myself. I had let myself get hurt. I had let myself down. 

For some of us, especially people suffering from mental illness - the hills are that much steeper, and sometimes we need help to get up those hills.

All of us who have faced this very tangible reality know well that it is not something that people like to talk about because it is uncomfortable or because most people do not know what it’s like to experience these conditions. Unlike the manifestation of physical diseases, a depressed mood, loss of interest and enjoyment, poor concentration, constant anxiety, and reduced energy are typically not visible to others.  As a result, the easy path for the affected is to retreat, to close up, to hide the anguish of not feeling well because we do not want to be embarrassed to be seen as weak or perceived as falling apart.

I’m lucky. I got, and continue to get, good care (except when the meds don’t work, which still happens occasionally), and I’m lucky to be employed by a place that provides good support system. The amazing response I have received from people has helped guide me through the most difficult time in my life. I dread to think how I would have been had I not had such a positive and helpful response to my situation. I have no doubt in my mind that the people around me have saved me. For that I am eternally grateful.

With whatever have happened, I've learned to get to know myself better. I've learned to reflect, and most importantly I've learned that life works this way; Allah swt knows what we're going through, Allah swt knows what is waiting for us in the future but yet He still gives a chance to make decisions and to decide. 

He hears every broken words that we whisper, sees every silent tears that we shed. Even in our mindless state of grief, know that He's watching over us and have tawakkul (trust) that relief is only a hair's breadth away.

It's a question I often ask myself. Should I be honest? Lay all my cards on the table? Do my closets friends and family need to know every little detail about my struggle? If I did tell them, would they even care? Or would they just give me the generic responses I'd heard my whole life? "Everyone feels like that", "No one likes work, just do it", and the ever popular "Man Up!" after all they probably have their own issues to deal with right? I have also learned that none of us is immune to these conditions, as they can and do affect people of all ages, from all work life.

Mental illness is a brain disorder, just like brain cancer. It needs to be treated, not stigmatised. Anyone who argues that mental-health issues should be penalized as a pre-existing condition is literally arguing to make it easier for me and people like me to die. And I don’t take death threats kindly.

Through all of myself to have wanted to help people, whether that be a physical way a psychological one. It has been my goal since removing from depression, and we will always be my goal for as long I am alive. To help people understand mental health, and to remove the terrible stigma which still surrounds mental illness.

Depression made me want to feel dead. Anxiety made me start thinking about ways to make it happen.

On this World Mental Health Day (Oct 10th), we will do well in expressing our compassion and understanding for those affected by these mental maladies that harm the health, functioning, and well-being of people. More importantly, we know how we're all playing crucial and irreplaceable part in a bigger story. Yes, there are other walking wounds who struggle on their own journey to recovery and my story of pain and hope is something they can draw strength from so they won't give up on themselves especially when they can't "snap out of it' despite all the painful effort they've exerted. I have made it this far. There will be bumps on the road ahead and I may end up wounded again but I have to keep my head up and fight. Fight for the other walking wounds who are yet to hear my not so bold, not so bright and not so beautiful story.

Choose to stick around. Hang on tight and #openup #WorldMentalHealthDay