ON THE MEND

Today last year, I decided to let myself go. It's an anniversary I'm not at all proud of. Looking back, maybe my sleep-deprived, hazy mind simply didn't allow me to think through all the potential consequences of changing emotions. I was tired of feeling like a zombie, always on the verge of tears. I was tired of staring in the dark in the wee hours of the morning, wondering if this episode ever would end. Something was pulling me to the bottom and was putting weight on my shoulder. I was practically dead already. I was scared. I could feel the effects of the pills. My whole body went numb. The last thing I remember is wiping away the tears, then everything went black. I couldn't focus. The voices were so loud that they drowned out everything else. If I had tried harder and asked more people, maybe someone would have helped me. But I had given up. I gave in to the voices and the suicidal self-talk. I no longer wanted anyone to help. I just wanted to run away from...

Photo taken by yours truly @Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque, Abu Dhabi - October 2019 Ya Allah, last night was horrible. I  sat in my dark room with so much pain in my heart. I laid in sujood crying and begging for your guidance and support. I believe you have your reason/ purpose for this pain, for this struggles What happened to you was not fair. It was not something you asked for, it was not something you deserved.  We are all traumatised by life, some of us from egregious wrongdoings, others by unprocessed pain and sidelined emotions. No matter what source, we are all handed a play of cards, and sometimes, they are not a winning hand.  Yet what we cannot forget is that even when we are not at fault, healing in the aftermath will always fall on us and instead of being burdened by this, we can actually learn to see it as a rare gift. Lately, I find that most of my thoughts and energy are consumed with the voice of unworthiness. I live in fear that I'm...