ON THE MEND

Photo taken during my trip to @Flores, Indonesia - December 2016 Moving on is hell of a ride. I have to remind myself that there are so many years ahead of me and this brokenness isn't the one that's going to end my world. This heartache is only temporary and won't come along with me as I move towards a brighter tomorrow. And I'm beginning to realise that completely removing someone from my life is a process. A lot of time it's confusing. There are no step by step guidelines that I need to follow for me to erase what have happened out of my life for good. Indeed, it is slow and requires a lot of patience.  After talking (and texting) with a couple of friends about the same topic last night, I'm also realise that letting go is painful. It's uncomfortable. It's banging my head on a hard surface until I finally accept that it doesn't have a space in my life anymore. An apology is useless this time around. No compromise can cover up the fact that ...

Photo taken by yours truly @Jakarta, Indonesia - March, 2018 I am looking at the clouds outside my office window, thinking about what have happened. And I started to accept that I'm not going to be happy all the time. I know sometimes I'm going to be unhappy. Sometimes I'm going to be bored. Sometimes I'm going to have that moment when I'm not happy but not sad either; it just feels, I don't know, like it's nothing. And I guess I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being unhappy and bored and feeling nothing. Maybe, I am not happy because I hate that I'm scared of the unknown. I am not happy because I am not fully satisfied with everything that I have. And even though that makes me sounds so ungrateful, I know one hundred percent that we aren't all satisfied in our lives. So in a way, we are all in this together. Today, we might feel torn, crushed, ripped. It might be dark all around me and it seems like there's no light coming an...

Photo taken by yours truly @Athens, Greece - May 2018 The recent incident has been the most painful experience of my life. I went on a journey. To hell. This isn't overstatement, it's a truthful summary of my experience. It feels like I got shot in the gut, I'm confused, and I don't know what to do. It feels like the force had taken my soul and put it in hell, then taunts my mind and body as I'm hopelessly struggling to get through the endless hours, days and months. When it happened (April 21st 2018 to be exact), it felt like the air around me was limited and it was becoming more and more difficult to breathe. I could actually feel my heart breaking and it hurt so bad. I felt that burning sensation on the back of my neck. I wasn't sure what to do next.  I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably that evening and slept over at my friend's place that night. At that point, I saw no hope, just days and days of pain ahead of me. I can't seem to comp...

Photo taken by yours truly @Selong Belanak Beach, Lombok Indonesia - April 2017 My heart was so heavy this morning. My sorrow is so great. Ya Allah, I am thankful that you are all powerful, that I do not have to hold it all together or be strong for everyone in my life. You are my strength. You are strong for my loved ones when I can't be. I am thankful you are all knowing that you know the outcomes to this misery am facing. That I don't have to figure out what the next day, week or month or year looks like, because you have it all held together. And you promise my feet won't slip. Help me ya Allah, strengthen me for today. Give me daily strength, that I can be sustained through this heartache. Thank you Allah that you are close when I am hurting. Thank you Allah for comfort, grace and joy that only you can give. Hold me up today. Amin Those were my du'a... We need to understand that Allah swt has told us we will be tested, that these tests are for a reas...