Just Not Worth The Fight Anymore

Photo taken during my trip to @Flores, Indonesia - December 2016

Moving on is hell of a ride. I have to remind myself that there are so many years ahead of me and this brokenness isn't the one that's going to end my world. This heartache is only temporary and won't come along with me as I move towards a brighter tomorrow. And I'm beginning to realise that completely removing someone from my life is a process. A lot of time it's confusing. There are no step by step guidelines that I need to follow for me to erase what have happened out of my life for good. Indeed, it is slow and requires a lot of patience. 

 After talking (and texting) with a couple of friends about the same topic last night, I'm also realise that letting go is painful. It's uncomfortable. It's banging my head on a hard surface until I finally accept that it doesn't have a space in my life anymore. An apology is useless this time around. No compromise can cover up the fact that it destroyed me. But it doesn't mean that I haven't forgiven. Letting go ultimately depends on me. I am the one who has the final say if I'm ready to release it out of my life. My heart is the only thing that can speak out for the truth.

 Well, just because I don't care about your sorry doesn't mean I am capable of completely having a fresh start someday. Maybe I just don't want your excuses. I am not interested in hearing your explanations. Because no words of yours can make my heart forget what you did to it. No grand gesture of yours can bring back what you robbed from me. 

 In the process of forgiving, the first barrier I have to remove is within my own mind. I must make decision; I will not dwell on this incident. Don't replay the incident in my mind. I realise that it is easy to say but hard to do. When that reel begins to play in my mind, intentionally push the Stop button. Realise that it will not make things better, dwell on what is good, and ask Allah to give me the strength to withstand the onslaught of those attacks on my mind. 

 But forgiveness for those who have hurt us is 100% non-negotiable for complete healing of the heart. It doesn't have to be the first step, in fact for many, it can't be. However, I acknowledge that it does have to take place eventually. Basically, forgiveness is releasing our "right" to hold something over another person or take revenge. It is giving the person and the offence over to Allah swt to deal with. It's basically giving up to win. 

 Forgiveness is NOT forgetting, trusting, or saying what happened is OKAY, it is actually much more about US than it is about the other person. It's not about changing the past, it's about changing the future and accepts the past; addresses the past but focuses on the future. We can (and we should) let go of our bitterness and hatred for others without trying to pretend the offences never happened.

 Letting go requires maturity. I believe Allah swt will ease this journey for me. He knows growth and maturity takes time. I'm still learning to let go but I will get there eventually. 
Location: Kuala Lumpur, Federal Territory of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

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