My Emotional Healing Journey

Photo taken by yours truly @Jakarta, Indonesia - March, 2018

I am looking at the clouds outside my office window, thinking about what have happened. And I started to accept that I'm not going to be happy all the time. I know sometimes I'm going to be unhappy. Sometimes I'm going to be bored. Sometimes I'm going to have that moment when I'm not happy but not sad either; it just feels, I don't know, like it's nothing. And I guess I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being unhappy and bored and feeling nothing. Maybe, I am not happy because I hate that I'm scared of the unknown. I am not happy because I am not fully satisfied with everything that I have. And even though that makes me sounds so ungrateful, I know one hundred percent that we aren't all satisfied in our lives. So in a way, we are all in this together.

Today, we might feel torn, crushed, ripped. It might be dark all around me and it seems like there's no light coming anytime soon. And there's no point in making effort to be functioning human being. But life goes on. The earth will keep moving whether or not we're prepared to face the day. Nothing will ever stop no matter how many times I wish everything around me to stay still.

I mentioned this to my dear friend earlier today; trying to live the day is enough, being somewhere you're supposed to be is enough, existing and breathing despite the brokenness is enough. And sometimes, simply surviving and getting through all of your mess are already proof that you're still here fighting, kicking. That's just enough for now. 

Indeed, life goes on. Today might not be a great one, but you can hope that tomorrow everything will work out just fine. I am trying to mentally order myself to calm down, to steady my vision, to catch my breath. It's time to put some effort towards watching what I think and say and making a conscious decision to choose LIFE. I remember distinctly what a profound realisation it was for me to learn that we don't have to entertain EVERY thought that comes into our heads. In fact, if we're in a bad place emotionally we absolutely SHOULDN'T.

Allah spends considerable time in His word telling us what to think about for a reason. Have you ever spent so much time dwelling on something negative that a simple thought turned into an absolute meltdown? I know I HAVE. Proactively shut those suckers down before that happens and choose to focus on things that are life giving. And always du'a for Him to ease this journey;

Ya Allah, thank you for your willingness to be here with me during this time. It's been difficult lately with a few challenges. You know that. You've been here watching me and watching everything. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed and broken. You are the one I know I can turn to for comfort. Provide me with reassurance that this was the right thing for me in my life, as it is right now. I can't be strong enough on my own. I ask that you provide me with support and strength to wait for the things you have planned. I know that you do have plans for me and that things work in your time, not mine.

Ya Allah, show me that there are so many great things in my future, and offer me solace in the thought that you have plans for me and that one day everything will be fine. Assure me that you have my be-intentions in mind, and while I don't know what all of those intentions are, what have happened was part of the plans. Ya Allah, I just ask for your continued love and guidance during this difficult time, and I pray for the patience of others as I work through this pain. Help me understand that this, too shall pass for me; that one day the pain will become less and remind me that you'll be there right with me the whole time. Though I may have difficulty letting go, I pray that you surround me with people that help me through and lift me up in prayer, in love and in support. I know you ask me to be patient with people and forgive them as you forgive us; It's in my head and I ask that you instil it in my heart too. I need more patience with those that annoy me. I need more patience with those that wrong me. Please fill my heart with it. 

I ask for your forgiveness when I slip and lose my patience with those around me... and you too. I can sometimes be human and do the wrong thing, but Allah I never meant to hurt you or anyone else. I ask for your grace in those moments. Ya Allah, thank you for being more than just my God in this moment; my friend, my anchor, my pillar and my support.