ON THE MEND

Photo taken during my trip to Bali, Indonesia - September 2019 I said a little prayer before starting off this post. Today (April 21st), in 2018 was the day that rocked me to the core. Imagine one day you wake up and you find yourself 30,000 feet above the earth and you are free-falling. You don't know how you got into this situation. But, you feel sheer terror. You instinctively start grabbing everything on your body to feel for something like a parachute cord. You search frantically for this cord that will save your life. You never find the cord. Soon, you punch yourself and tell yourself, " It's all a dream. It's all a bad dream. Isn't it? Wake up. Wake up. WAKE UP! " You do not wake up. With each second, you grow closer to the ground below. You have not woken up yet and you have not found a parachute cord. A minute later, your body smashes into the earth at 500 miles per hour; your body is shattered into a million pieces. It was not a bad dream a...

Today last year, I decided to let myself go. It's an anniversary I'm not at all proud of. Looking back, maybe my sleep-deprived, hazy mind simply didn't allow me to think through all the potential consequences of changing emotions. I was tired of feeling like a zombie, always on the verge of tears. I was tired of staring in the dark in the wee hours of the morning, wondering if this episode ever would end. Something was pulling me to the bottom and was putting weight on my shoulder. I was practically dead already. I was scared. I could feel the effects of the pills. My whole body went numb. The last thing I remember is wiping away the tears, then everything went black. I couldn't focus. The voices were so loud that they drowned out everything else. If I had tried harder and asked more people, maybe someone would have helped me. But I had given up. I gave in to the voices and the suicidal self-talk. I no longer wanted anyone to help. I just wanted to run away from...

Photo taken by yours truly @Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque, Abu Dhabi - October 2019 Ya Allah, last night was horrible. I  sat in my dark room with so much pain in my heart. I laid in sujood crying and begging for your guidance and support. I believe you have your reason/ purpose for this pain, for this struggles What happened to you was not fair. It was not something you asked for, it was not something you deserved.  We are all traumatised by life, some of us from egregious wrongdoings, others by unprocessed pain and sidelined emotions. No matter what source, we are all handed a play of cards, and sometimes, they are not a winning hand.  Yet what we cannot forget is that even when we are not at fault, healing in the aftermath will always fall on us and instead of being burdened by this, we can actually learn to see it as a rare gift. Lately, I find that most of my thoughts and energy are consumed with the voice of unworthiness. I live in fear that I'm...

Photo taken by yours truly @Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque, Abu Dhabi - October 2019 I told myself that everything good takes time, but I don't know how much I believed it. I stepped forward into the light and tried to forget the darkness of my past experiences, but a bulge of darkness walked with me After a year plus of growing and healing and therapy and books and running and prayers still they come. And yes, all of those tools have helped. As have tears. Tears help a lot actually. Yes, there are times in a bottle and there have been time trying to cut it free. The specific are not relevant. Or perhaps they're just a bridge too far for me to share right now. But in case it might be useful to know they exist at all, know that they do. My smile is chosen not unburdened.  So many ways I have sought to silence this darkness in me, to satisfy this gaping hole. There are books upon books. Yes, the kind that you would expect but for me more powerfully there are books...

Photo taken by yours truly @Nusa Penida, Indonesia - September 2019 It's hard to watch someone suffer. Period. It's also really hard to see someone struggle with something when you think you have an idea of what the answer is So many of us want to offer things that we know will help the people we love and care for. We want to save them from their pain. We want to save them from the suffering. Sometimes, we just want to give answers to help them cut to the chase. But that's not how it works. People have to claim their own work. They have to claim their healing. They have to earn their transformation so that they can trust it. If you do the way for them, they won't be able to trust it. The only way for it to be fully trusted is when it's integrated by the person themselves.  This month will be the 9-month since my suicide attempt. I'd love to tell you that a hospital stay, some medications, and a few therapy sessions silenced the voice, but that woul...

Photo taken by yours truly @Nusa Penida, Bali, Indonesia - September 2019 Allah swt has a thousand ways to turn our situation around that we've never even thought of. Just because we don't see a way  doesn't mean He  doesn't  have a way Allah swt is closer to us than we are to ourselves. If He chooses something for us, there is certainly nothing that would be better than His choice. He knows what we need before we realise it on our own. It's difficult to accept. It's difficult to comprehend; but He doesn't ask that of us. We simple told to trust Him. To accept the Qadr of Allah doesn't mean it won't hurt. It will. Your heart will ache, your eyes will get filled with tears and in your head, nothing will make sense. But that is when you have to remind yourself that this is what Allah has willed and His choice for you are always better than your wishes. With that hurt in your heart, mess in your head and tears in your ey...