On Edge: Finding Calm in a Muddled Jungle

Photo taken during my trip to Waterfall Kanto Lampo, Bali Indonesia - September 2017

I lost the life I once knew, but in the process recreating a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my solid support system, comprised of my astoundingly loving family, good friends who has held my hand through some of the messiest parts of my recovery. I'm still seeing a therapist twice a month where there is plenty that we are working on and I have regular check-ups with my doctor to make sure my medications are working for me.  

Tossing and turning all night long. A feeling known so well to me. Anxiety runs all day and I'm up at night. A horrific cycle seen day after day. Those like me, know how frustrating it is to have anxiety during the day and then have insomnia anxiety throughout the night. Racing thoughts throughout the night. Nothing works. Tried puzzles, funny videos, news, anything to get my mind off the anxiety. Every little things triggered my anxiety. Nothing helps. I became desperate and feel as if I'm going to lose myself. Trying and trying to constantly remove my mind from the "incident" that have happened.

Trying to put words together and explain why I am feeling the way I feel. Something that no one, except me and every individual sufferer, can explain. It makes sense in our heads but doesn't click in our friends and families head. Why can't they understand or say the right things? Why do we need to constantly explain things to them in order for them to understand? Do I open up entirely and allow them in? Allow them to see my weaknesses? Do I give them the power to know what triggers my anxiety? Or do I just sit back and continue to construct myself into a neatly, smiling person that hides his anxiety attacks? These are questions that cross loudly within my thoughts every time I feel an anxiety attack coming on. I still have yet to come up with a complete answer. 

"Just because someone with depression has a better day, doesn't mean that person got BETTER. A day can still be grey without any rain." 

Depression pushed into every corner of my existence, and both work and family life became more and more difficult. The medications only seemed to deaden my feelings and make me feel detached from everyone and immune to every pressure. It is like having pain signals turned off. It's so incredibly hard and most of the time I felt like giving up. I'm tired of suffering, of feeling so bad all the time, and I'm tired of watching everyone around me try to make things better only to make things worse. And then I feel even more at fault like an even bigger piece of shit than I already am. It's just a never-ending cycle of shitdom.

I thought I was immune to depression and anxiety attacks. I thought I could be cured with runs, yoga and time outside, spending more time with my family and close friends. I was wrong. Very, very wrong. When the "incident" happened in April (April 21st to be exact), there have been weeks with little to no activity on my part. I have not slept. I don't eat. I don't drink enough water. I expend all of my energy making my life occupied and pretending my life is normal to anyone else. And by 7:00PM every night, I am exhausted but yet I can't sleep. The incident has rocked me to the core. To be betrayed by the person you could trust the most is something I hope never, ever happens to anyone. No one deserves that depth of hell.   

I don't even know how I got through some of the really bad days, but somehow I did. I reached a point where I became determined not to be beaten by this damn illness. I hate the illness, the truth is things have been difficult lately. I still had days when any effort of gaining enjoyment out of life seemed hopeless, but they become less frequent. My depression and anxiety has come to a head, and I have found myself breaking more. I have found myself shutting down more. I have found myself withdrawing more but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. Struggling with anxiety and depression really made me refocus on where my life was heading and I'm happier than ever before, doing things which I'm supposed to do.