What It's Like Inside My Head; Trust Me, You Really Don’t Want to Know

Photo taken during my trip to San Francisco, California - June 2014 

Allah swt says in Holy Qur'an: “Allah is the Protector of those who have faith He will lead them from the depths of darkness into light. As for those who disbelieve, their patrons are the devils: from the light, they will lead them forth into the depths of darkness. They will be companions of the fire, to dwell therein (forever).” (Qur'an, 2:257)

I still suffer from severe anxiety and depression to this day. When I am well, which is most of the time, I am happy, empathetic, curious, motivated, open and friendly. When depression takes over I turn into the opposite, I enter the negative state of mind. It’s like falling into a deep dark hole and having no ladder to climb to help you get out of it. You get trapped in the darkness feeling cold and numb. I turn into an evil person and sometimes I say or do things to hurt others, the dark ugly side of me takes over. In a serious state of depression, you become a sort of half-living ghost.

Every morning I wake up and wish I hadn’t. At midnight I cry faintly into my pillow with tears streaming down my cheek. I whisper in pain, attempting to suppress the sounds that leave my room; I don't want others to hear. The months, weeks and days pass with me wishing it’ll be the last, and yet there’s no end. It’s very rare for a moment to go by where I don’t feel a crushing feeling against my chest. The darkness kept building and building inside of me; inside of my body, inside my mind, inside of my heart and inside my soul. 

The weirdest thing about living with this depression and anxiety inside me is that I usually cry when I'm alone. I don't know. It just happens. I can't really control it. The world around me seems small, and there's nothing that can soothe it. I feel broken. I feel empty inside. Mostly, I feel BETRAYED. I am in pain and numb at the same time. Perhaps my pain is so much now that I can no longer distinguish it. It is a physical pain; a weight on my chest crushing my existence, crushing my hopes and dreams.

When I look in the mirror I see only dead eyes. There is no spark. No joy. No hope. I wonder how I will manage to exist another day.

I'm so tired, yet no amount of sleep nourishes me. Eating has become work. Showering, answering phone calls, replying to text messages; simply existing has become tiresome. I know my pain is not physical to others, but my pain is real. I feel it every moment. When I sleep, when I eat, when I laugh, when I cry, when I speak. My pain is hidden beneath it all. It’s more painful than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. And NO-ONE can see it. People seem far away, on the other side of a glass bubble. No one seems to understand or care, and people seem insincere.

Often, I whisper "Ya Allah, I don't want to live anymore. Ya Allah, please, I don't want to live anymore."

I started to pray five times a day, I make du'a, I say astaghfirullah (I ask forgiveness from Allah) throughout the day and sometimes recites Qur'an as I can. But it's hard. I have no motivation to keep going. I don't know what I'm moving towards. My goals and hopes have all slowly faded away.

I have never understood suicide. But now I do. I think of death most of the time. It plays in the background now. I wonder about taking my life. Maybe overdose on my medications. But there’s never enough to overdose on. Psychiatrists know suicide is always an option for the depressed, so they are careful when they medicate. When I am driving, I imagine what would happen if I made a slight abrupt turn into a tree. But maybe I wouldn’t die. Maybe I would find myself paralysed and that would be a worse existence, for then I’d still be alive, but now a physical burden to my family. But the truth is, I am still too scared of Allah swt and the Hellfire to ever commit such a sin. I know suicide is not an option. Faith has limited me to only entertaining such an end, but never to commit to it. I'm also afraid of people's reaction; that they would stigmatise me, not understand or just tell me to pull myself together.

I pray to Allah swt every day, and spend hours thanking Him for what He has given me, in tears. And I ask Him to forgive me for feeling how I feel. I tell Him how hurt I am and how ungrateful I feel. I ask Him why I feel like this. I ask Him to help me. I know I can’t ask Him to take my life, so I ask Him what I’m allowed to: “Grant me life as long as it is good for me, and grant me death when it is better for me.” Always hoping the latter is what is better.

I am a facade of who I once was. I constantly lie about how I feel. I must keep up appearances. I smile and laugh when I must. I have to maintain relationships, or else the loneliness will only get worse. I would rather be in this dungeon that I’m in, alone; but my mind knows that the loneliness will only make it worse. I don’t want to unload the hurt I feel onto others. So, I fake a smile and try to converse with family and friends. It is tiring, but I do it. It is a part of living and for now I must live. To say that the last 5 months has been hard is an understatement. My problems aren’t completely gone. Far from it. But I like to think I’m on a path to healing.

I would never wish what I feel upon another human being. I have no energy or zest for life, and no one cares. The two or three people that know cannot empathise. They only offer support when I reach out to them, but I don’t want to be a burden. Can’t they reach out to me? Can’t they ask how I’m doing? Can’t they tell when I say, “Alhamdulillah (all praise be to Allah), I’m okay,” that I’m not okay? Can’t they put themselves in my shoes? I so desperately want someone to save me, yet I know only I can save myself. I can use the help of medication, of faith, of family, of friends, but only I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope to reach it one day. 

I do not want to be a burden to my family and friends. So I will not call and I may not reply until the third text. I know it’s selfish, but that’s what I need now. No one wishes to be around someone filled with such overwhelming sadness and gloom. No one wants to hear how my mind aches every day, that I have given up my hopes and dreams or that I wish Allah swt would take my life quickly and subtly. My heart hurts every day. I wish I could take a hold of the heart within me, and sever it from my being. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like this. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel dead inside.

I don’t pity myself. I am not ungrateful. I am thankful. I am thankful for all the blessings Allah swt has bestowed upon me. I do not complain to others. I try to complain only to Allah swt. So I complain to Him of the pain and sadness I cannot explain. I keep asking, most times not knowing what to say. Just hoping and praying and wishing for salvation from this suffering.

I don’t know how to explain depression. How do I explain it to family and friends? I heard someone once describe depression as an ever-lingering constant sadness, even when everything in your life is going well. It is a total loss of pleasure. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore.

People say: “Don’t worry, trust Allah.” “This is just a phase. You’ll get over this.” “Be thankful for your life. You’re not dying.”

But I feel like I am, why can’t they understand?

When people try to get me to look at the bright side, be grateful, change my thoughts, they never succeed. It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it. It’s not possible for anyone to understand what it truly feels like to have clinical depression (in my case, it's MDD) unless you’ve suffered from it yourself. I wish people would realise that depression is far, far more severe than just “having the blues” or feeling “sad”. It is a soul-sucking, debilitating illness, one that is so severe that it claims nearly a million lives a year worldwide. So, if you know someone who has it, don’t just tell them to “pull themselves together” or to simply “get over it”.

They may think depression is a first world problem. Maybe it is; maybe not. I thought depression was something the weak-spirited suffered. I thought Allah swt was enough. I thought medications were simply a bandage. But I’ve realised, unfortunately too personally, that depression is not black and white. It is not something that one can wish away. It is a battle that only the strongest of will win. I know it will take me every fiber of my being to kill this silent lurking monster. But my depression and anxiety is also just a part of who I am. Although the people around me may never understand that, I know that this is something I will live with forever, and it's up to me on how much I let it take control of my life. My selected friends, siblings and work colleagues have helped enormously. They have since been there for me every step of the way. From listening to my worries, phoning for help during my manic episodes and accompanying me to the hospital/ counselling sessions. They have been incredibly supportive and I couldn't have got through the past 5 months without them. 

The amazing response I have received from people has helped guide me through the most difficult time in my life. I dread to think how I would have been had I not had such a positive and helpful response to my situation. I have no doubt in my mind that the people around me have saved me. For that I am eternally grateful.

Even though no one sees the emotional pain and mental agony of depression; I am here to tell you, it is real. Whether it’s due to the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a bad test score or absolutely nothing you can put your finger on, it is real. And you cannot let it get worse. Whether you are the one suffering or someone around you is. We must notice the person who isn’t as cheery as they once were. We must notice the drastic behavior changes in the person we once knew. Notice physical changes: weight loss, weight gain, dark circles, lethargy, unexplained headaches, missed school days and work days etc.

We need to be there for our loved one, our sister, our brother, our friend, our coworker, our daughter, our son, our neighbor who is suffering. We need to help them. We must not let it get worse. We must not let them fall into an abyss of complete despair. Please, please help someone around you who is suffering. Maybe they are suffering for unknown reasons; maybe it doesn’t make sense to you. Maybe they have been depressed for a couple of days or maybe they have been depressed for months. Whatever the case, if you can help; then help.

You must be forgiving for the missed phone calls and the broken promises and the little changes that make us question our relationship. Be forgiving. Be empathetic. Understand that in the fog of depression, human beings make bad decisions, say things they wish they hadn’t and do things they never would. The regret kills them from within. They are miserable, and they don’t know how to tell anyone. The smile they force hides a world of pain and despair. Notice the fake smile and the blank stares and ask, “Are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m just tired.” “Oh, I think I’m getting sick.” “Just a little stressed.” Don’t let these answers distract you. Say: “I’m here for you. If you’re going through anything at all, you can talk to me. Don’t forget that.”

Know that depression lies to the sufferer. It tells them: “You are WORTHLESS. The world would be better WITHOUT you. You are a BURDEN to your family. You are not smart enough. You are not RELIGIOUS enough. You will never reach your goals. You are nothing and you are all ALONE.” This loneliness consumes the individual, completely paralysing them. Tell them they are not alone. Keep texting, keep calling, keep emailing. Just be there. Don’t let their indifference, or their excuses dissuade you. So many are suffering silently because they believe no one cares. But keep trying. It will make a difference. It will make all the difference. Everyone notices a broken leg but no one notices a broken spirit. Don’t be the person that lets months go by while a friend or an acquaintance falls deeper and deeper into his/ her depression.

And once they’ve revealed their “secret”, don’t leave them. Don’t forget them. Don’t let weeks pass by without checking up on them. And when you do reach out, don’t simply say: “It’s going to be okay. Just perk up. Be thankful. Don’t just sit around all day. Get out of bed. Call me whenever you need.” Though well-intentioned, this is not enough. Being there for a person who is depressed is mentally and emotionally draining. They will not call you. They will not be the first to reach out. They do not want to be a burden to you.

If we want to be pillars of support for those who are suffering, it will require effort. Over and over and over again.

While they may feel weak during their times of depression, it takes a strong person to admit they need help. They must become that person who is dedicated and determined to overcome the darkness in their hearts and by understanding how precious their life is we will no longer want to be a slave to unhappiness.

Through prayer and faith, Allah swt heals us of our miseries delivers us of our burdens, and loves us when it feels no one else does, can or will.

For me, I personally think; the best way to thank Allah swt is to serve humanity, especially those who have less than us. Studies reveal that when we choose to redirect our attention to the positive, and helping others, our serotonin levels increase making us more content and happy. Serving others is uplifting and rewarding. It helps us gain a better perspective on life’s challenges, making us realise how very often, our problems seem so small compared to the overwhelming difficulties others face.

This is shown in many stories of the Prophet’s life where even when the Muslims were a small, poor and persecuted community, they used to give to the poor even more. They understood that when you are generous when you have less, you achieve the perspective of a winner. You are focused on the bigger picture.

More importantly, we know how we're all playing crucial and irreplaceable part in a bigger story, right? Yes, there are other walking wounds who struggle on their own journey to recovery and my story of pain and hope is something they can draw strength from so they won't give up on themselves especially when they can't "snap out of it' despite all the painful effort they've exerted. I have made it this far. There will be bumps on the road ahead and I may end up wounded again but I have to keep my head up and fight. Fight for the other walking wounds who are yet to hear my not so bold, not so bright and not so beautiful story.

Something I read recently triggered my thoughts, it explained that our heart also has seasons, so if it is winter, do not lose hope and keep going, after all spring always comes.

Tomorrow, September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. Choose to stick around. Hang on tight.