I'm On The Mend

Photo taken by yours truly @Imam Muhammad Ibn Abd al-Wahhab Mosque, Doha Qatar - November 2018

He is breaking you to heal you.

"from the perfection of Allah's ihsan is that He allows His slave to taste the bitterness of the break before the sweetness of the mend. He does not break His believing slave, except to mend him. And He does not withhold from him, except to give him. And He does not test him (with hardship), except to cure him." - Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah

I wonder when was the last time I smiled (wide smile) because my heart always felt warm. I wish I had captured those moments, I could look at them now and smile but guess what? I was too busy living those moments back then.

The healing process is ugly as hell. It's not bubble baths and aromatherapy. It's accountability which brings guilt. It's getting to the root of your issues which triggering and intense. It hurts, so I walked away; I walked as far as I could. It wasn't easy. I guess, healing is never an easy process but just like when we are bonded, new skin grows back and it heals eventually, I know I am suffering and it's never pleasantly, but I don't blame destiny because it all just a test I gotta pass to be strong mentally.

I could easily stay on the bed and stare at the ceiling for hours together without making a move. I pray that nobody else goes through this pain. I've become numb to it all. The heartbreak, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lies. I have no outer because I feel like a bother to people. People think of me as stable and strong, little do they know I'm on the edge, waiting for the wind to push me off.

You don't know pain until you're staring at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your face and you're begging yourself to just hold on and be strong

I have been struggling to breathe these past few months; late night cries, faking smiles, war going on in my head, voices screaming but I look at the mirror and doubt that, I am a good pretending, I'll give myself that. My eyes have become dry and my heart has become heavy. I'm not sure if there's any tears left for me to weep. There's not much I have left to say. And maybe that's something in itself. 

I learned that nobody gets everything they want in this world. The nature of this world is such that things won't go according to your plans. Its all up to the Almighty. So when your faith is being put to the test, don't crumble. Supplicate to Him, that's the only way to change things.

Sometimes the answer to your prayers is what you lose

I need to be shown a sign, something to prove that there's still hope. That despite everything, there's still a possibility that I'll be okay. That despite the pain, I can be happy. I need to be promised that everything will be okay. And that I'm not fighting for nothing. And I need those promises to be fulfilled. I need something to validate this fight. Something good in the midst of all mad.

Do not abandon hope, do not lose faith in what is meant for you. Sometimes it takes the hardest hardships and the most heartbreaking events for you to come to terms with what is meant for you. It is during the toughest times of your life, you understand and realise what is good for you and what wasn't. You will stumble across a lot of people and some will break you. Some will come into your life to help you heal and move on. Every single person has a purpose in your life. Indeed, the hardest part in life is accepting what is meant for you. We go through so many trials and tribulations thinking that we won't survive them. Every hardship brings another lesson of survival into our lives. The hardest bit is when you feel like you are collapsing and you can't feel yourself breathing above the water.  

We all need some kind of closure sometimes, something, anything, a sign, a memory, a person, a place, something to to remind us that it's okay to let go. That it's okay to move on. We all need this revelation, we deserve peace from the past and hope for the future. Sometimes, we must learn to leave certain things behind in order to progress and grow, the meaning of it all is simple.

And I know that someday it'll be okay. And someday this pain won't be as daunting. And everything will seem a little lighter. I know. But there's always be that one thought etching away at the back of my mind, forcing me to think of all things negative. Forcing me to believe that no matter if they'll be okay in the future or not; in this instance, it couldn't hurt any more than it already does. And I know you think I'm trying and I know you think I'm strong. But how do I tell you that I'm falling weak, and my mind can no longer carry this burden? How do I tell you this, without you feeling the need to reassure me that it'll be okay? I really know that. But believing in it is a whole other thing. I don't need empty words or promises. I just need someone. I just need you to listen to all these words my eyes are throwing at you, but my mouth can't physically say. I just want you to listen to the things I can't express. Just listen.   

I wish I could remove all the sadness I have stored in my heart. I may not to do so, but I know Allah swt will

There were never easy, the sacrifice I made. They haunt me daily, picturing how life would be if I didn't make that once decision. But sometimes we have to do what's best for us, even if we have moments of regret where we question if we made the right choice. We just have to believe that the paths we chose will lead us to greater doors opening. And that doesn't make us selfish because we are allowed to put ourselves first and think about what's best for us and our mindset.

Above all, I pray you never have yearn for the sincerity of love you give out. I pray that happiness comes to you in bundles and it stays. I pray you find someone you won't have heart to destroy. I also pray that I'm never a source of pain for anyone. I pray I don't bring darkness in anyone's life. I pray that I'm a source of light and goodness wherever I go. Wallahu a'lam.