A New Chance At Life?

There are pain that hurts too much to speak of and scars too evident to hide from

Imagine lying in a dark room, having taken a large overdose; life doesn't get much worse than that. The sense of despair is overwhelming. Every second of living is a second too many, every thought of burden, every breath is an unwanted delay to your longed-for death. The wish to be swallowed up into oblivion is overwhelming. You forget your friends, your happy times, your blessings, even your family. You feel ashamed and worthless. Life looses its coloraturas, its purpose and its preciousness. The only way is down.  

Saturday. December 22nd, 2018. After performing my Subuh prayer at the nearby surau, I was feeling edgy and anxious. My heart was heavy. When I arrived home, the first thing I did was rushing into my room and called my sister, my brother and couple of friends. To be quite honest, after making all the calls and as I sat in my room, I had no idea what I was waiting for, however my anxiety was at an all-time high and panic was starting to kick in. I paced around my four-cornered room for minutes, until I decided it was time to man up for once in my life. At that very second, I grabbed every single pill imaginable and swallowed.

Apart from overdosing from the pills I've swallowed, cutting my wrist is a way for me to cope with the pain of strong emotions. It started when you're upset on something and you don't know how to talk about it or what to do. But I can't get my mind off feeling upset, and my body has this knot of emotional pain. Before you knew it, I started cutting my wrist. And then somehow, I'm in another place. Then the next time, I feel awful about it. I felt desperate for relief from all the bad feelings. Cutting was my way of coping. My coping skills may be overpowered by emotions that are too intense. When the emotions don't get expressed in a healthy way, tension can build up; until it comes to a point that it seems almost unbearable. Cutting was the only attempt to relieve that extreme tension; it seems like a way of feeling in control. The urge to cut might be triggered by a strong feeling that I myself, can't express. 

Ya Allah, only you understand how much I've been hurt. I don't want to carry the pain for another second. I don't want to be a bitter person. But I need your grace and the power of Quran to release my hurting to forgive those who've hurt me. First, I need to experience your forgiveness. You know all the ways I've hurt others, and I'm sorry for my sins. I'm choosing to forgive the way you have forgiven me. Every time the memory comes back, I'll forgive that person again until the pain is gone. Heal my heart with your grace. Ameen.

In the time that I was at the hospital (men ward), there are other overdose cases arrived. I spoke to one and it was a very moving encounter. He was heartbroken, he felt lost and alone and had taken an assortment of drugs. But the details didn't really matter. Just looking at his eyes said all we needed to know about what each of us had gone through. We shook hands and our good wishes for the future were genuine. We spoke for less than 20 minutes and yet I often remember him. 

Stepping out of the hospital, having received counselling and final check of my test results, the world looked so much more colourful, wonderful and inviting. I could hardly believe what I had just been through. It was madness. But since that day, I have gained some important understandings from it. I have to let go of the past and my need for perfectionism as well as my certainty about how things should be in this world. I have developed greater empathy and understanding. I have become less judgemental, less sure of my opinions, and more open to others. I am a little less hard on myself too.

I have also learned the importance of friendship and I now have a small circle of friends. I have discovered that I have so much to give, that I can be of service to others, and that life can be kind to me. Out of darkness and despair has come a profound empathy for other people, and a tremendous love of humanity, with all of its foibles, frailties and follies. Out of suffering has come grace and the episode has taught me to recognise what really matters in this world. I was lucky in that I survived but I could so easily have died, in which case none of these lessons would have been learned.  

Although I am nowhere near "cured" I am starting to see a light. A light once I thought I would never find. My mental illness is my reality. I would never choose this life for myself, wish it upon anyone, but I am slowly starting to accept the cards I was dealt with. Do I still have sad days? Yes. Do I still have days where I find it impossible to get out of bed, or even shower? Absolutely. But, I am learning to cope with my reality, and I am slowly learning to live with a monster called Depression. I've realised that I haven't been the person I truly am, or the person I meant to be. I've done and said some terrible things. I've made mistakes, and I've been an ugly person. To those I have hurt while I was hurting, I'm sorry. I hope you can understand. But to those who have stuck by my side, through thick and thin, you mean more to me than you'll ever know. Without your guidance, support and concern, I may not be here today. Without your determination and love, my mental illness would have won the war. 

So what have I learned from this crazy, ill-advised and almost fatal episode? I guess the obvious thing is not to do it again. It was an act of madness, which could have caused untold grief to my family and friends, and would have cut short a rich and rewarding life. Mostly the importance of mental health. It is completely useless to have a full-functioning body if you suffer from mental illness and if you do not seek help. My mental illness do not define me, however they do explain what I go through and what I feel. And I am not ashamed of it. I am not ashamed that I have to take medication in order to have a somewhat normal day. There is no shame in asking for help, and once you do, things will not necessarily get better, however things will definitely get easier to handle.