Healing Through Forgiveness

Photo taken by yours truly @Seoul, Korea - December 2017

Pray for guidance. Pray for strength. Pray for patience. Pray for understanding. Pray for protection. Pray for the best and put your trust in Allah swt. The Knower of the unseen and the Witnessed. The Merciful. Alhamdulillah for everything

I'm walking. And I'm walking down this path. I don't know if it's the right one, my eyes are blurred from tears. My throat is sore from screaming for help, my body is drained from breaking over and over again. I can't see much, I can barely see the difference between the road and pavement. But I'm walking, my legs are shaking. My feet are swollen, my mind splattered. But I'm walking, I keep walking. Sometimes I come to a stop. And I wonder what's the point. Sometimes I decided to sit down, maybe even make a temporary home. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to know where to go, what to do. Sometimes I force my legs to move because if I stand there too long, I'll drop. I will drop deep. Sometimes I cry and sob, wishing someone would just listen. 

Sometimes I try harder, I walk even if I'm broken because I can't let myself down. But I'm walking. I'm tired and I'm walking. I'm falling but I'm walking. My breathing getting heavier day by day, my hearts carelessly beating. My souls barely there, but I'm walking. And I guess now I'm just wondering how long, how much more until I can't walk no more. I'm thinking and I'm wondering, will I able to reach the end of the road? or is it just not how it's meant to be?

There are moments when I feel death would be better for me. Moments when I think a knife through my chest would be better than what I feel. There are moments when the world spins around me and I'm sucked into a space I do not recognise. There are times when the lines blur out but I see Allah's help calling out to me loud and bright. My thoughts are blown up but His help I do recognise. So I cry out to Him when I know no better. And just knowing He is there feels like the warmest shelter

Well, that's the thing, you hear "I wanna die" and you automatically think; this person suicidal. But maybe I just say want to die because I just want to live, because I just want these hardships to end. And then there's those people who say; at least be thankful you're alive another day. You hear someone saying I want to die and you think they just don't care about anything, that they want to end it for all and once, that they aren't grateful for another day to breathe. But you tell me, are you them? Do you know how it feels to wake up every morning and say Alhamdulillah but feel like you're painfully, slowly vanishing on the inside? Like the soul inside you doesn't want to be in this world anymore? Do you know what it's like to get out of bed and wonder if today something will happen and you'll feel some peace in the heart that never rest? Do you know how it feels to want to live, yet have the desire to end this suffering?

Do you know what it feels like to pretend every single day that you're going to be just fine? Do you know how it feels to watch a little piece of yourself break every single day? Do you know what it feels like to look in the mirror and see the eyes of the torn soul? Do you know how it feels like to realise that's actually just you, that you're that soul? Do you know what it feels like to have so much faith buried inside your heart and yet still want this to end? Do you know how it feels to want to strive to be in Jannah while these hardships kill you on the inside? Do you know what it feels like to want to express every word stuck in your throat? Do you know how it feels o just die? Do you know what it feels like when all this dune brings is pain and it's weighing down your shoulders? Do you know what it feels to be so depressed? But god damn, do you know what it feels like to breathe in the cold breeze? Do you know how it feels to sit in the cold and shiver? 

Do you know what it feels like to put your head in sujood and cry until you're empty? Do you know what it feels like to speak to Allah and tell Him your problems? Do you know how it feels when He listen to the du'a you sent? Do you know how it feels when you pray and your heart finally feels peace? Do you know what it feels to wake up on sometimes and actually be grateful you're alive? Do you know how it feels like to realise that Allah has given you another day to live, to repent? Do you know what it feels to be able to smile, be able to laugh? Do you know what it feels to watch someone you love be happy? Do you know what it feels like to know that Allah set is right by your side? Do you know how it feels to have the smallest amount of faith that keeps you going? 

You've been hurting and you can't seem to understand why. One moment you're over the moon and the next moment, you feel like you're buried underground. When you sad, hold on to the pain. For it will bring you closer to Allah. When you're happy, hold on the memories. For they will give you hope on the days when you can't see it

Remember, you are allowed to react to every situation you are made to face. If it makes you sad, then cry. If it makes you happy, fall down in Sajadah and thank Allah. No one can take your right to respond to your trials from you. Sabr, is not to become numb; it is not let life's events overwhelm you because you know, you know Allah is with you. But what you must never do, is to overreact to life. You can't take a simple event and blow it out of proportion. Sometimes you have to be in control of how you feel instead of allowing your feelings to control you. You can't get depressed over issues that can easily be corrected. You cannot call anxiety if you not putting any effort to built your confidence. You cannot call it a relapse if you never allowed yourself to let go of the past. You cannot push the people who care about you away and blame it on your insecurity. And most importantly, you cannot hurt yourself when you know the problem is only temporary and with time, it will be resolved. There are reactions that we can't control. But there is never such a thing as a lack of self-control. 

You'll wait. You'll pray. You'll get frustrated. You'll question everything. But you'll continue to be patient. You'll keep waiting. And you'll keep praying. And one day, when you least expect it, it'll finally happen. So don't ever stop believing. Don't ever stop trusting. Don't ever stop hoping. Allah set is so ready to give you everything you've ever dreamed of but you have to understand it's on His timing, not yours

Patience is the biggest lesson you're gonna learn in life, it'll help keep you alive, even on the days where you're hanging off a cliff, where your heart is at unease. Where the pain is taking over you, where your soul is screaming, begging for help, for someone to come hold it. Be patience, don't look at the time, just breathe in and out as slowly as you can. Just remember that it's only a test or maybe even a struggle, it's just temporary like everything else in this world. Just remember that you walked out of storm once, you can do it again. Just another time, another round, you'll be okay. Just remind yourself that you've been strong all along, just one more hardship and you're done. 

You'll forgive, you will. Whatever it is eventually you'll forgive. And forgiveness doesn't mean that you're over it or it doesn't hurt you anymore, that it doesn't keep you up at night or what happened hasn't left scar upon your heart for the rest of your life. It'll haunt you on some days, it'll drain you, it'll bother you, make you feel differently. It'll make you cautious because you won't want ti go through that pain again. It's about the process, the process of hurting and accepting it. Forgiving just means you're letting go, you're letting go of all the hurt you've kept wrapped in your palms. It's means you're letting go of the storm inside your soul that holds your breath. It's letting go of the pain that you can't seem to understand, it's about letting go of the hurt caused by that person. To let go of whatever they did to make you feel broken, so damaged. Even that strength, it takes so much strength to be able to let go of the pain you've built up inside you. But, you will. You'll let go, you'll forgive whoever it is. You'll let go of your clutched fist, the nails that are digging into the skin of your palm. You'll let go of the breath you're holding, you'll let go of the hurt that makes your soul scream. You'll forgive, for yourself. Not for them but because you deserve to let go of the broken parts of you, because you need to forgive to breathe clearly. To love, to understand again. 

Ya Allah, I know one day I'll be okay, one day the hurting will make sense. I know that will happen but please make that day come by soon. I know you wouldn't have given me this trial, had you not known I was capable of getting through it. But I'm losing hope in myself. Don't put me back into what you once saved me from. Please help me make sense of this. You're the only One that can 


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