Allah swt Won't Give More Than You Can Handle

Photo taken by yours truly @Berlin, Germany - March 2019 

Today, I sat in my hotel room with an empty screen in front of me for a couple of minutes; I just sat there and stared. The circumstances in my life had become overwhelming, everything was crumbling, and my world was falling apart. The pain was cutting so deeply within me that I did not know how to react. I was so numb and yet hurting at the same time. It's like my heart just becomes fed up of having to deal with the same kind of hurt over and over again, that it puts it at a stop for me. Maybe this pain keeps me grounded to Allah. Maybe it's Allah's blessing upon me that I hurt to the point I have no point left but to seek His support and love. Not going to lie, I've been an ignorant person in the past. The pain humbles me. I've been aggressive, dismissive, sometimes rude and on the path of sin. This pain put an end to it all. Now that I hurt so much, I have no energy left in me to be disrespectful to Allah swt or His creation. So I'm just going to honour it and keep it close, because the closer I am to it, the closer I get to Allah. And I don't know if this means I'm stronger now, but what I do know is that I will never allow others to get to me so much that it makes me question myself worth again. 

The truth is Allah swt never promises not to put more on us than we can handle; He promises to guide us through whatever we are facing. Ya Allah, You are the Most Wise and Knowing. I have zero clue of where I'm heading to, but You do. You have it all planned for me, don't You? It hurts ya Allah. A little on some days and so much on many. The pain, though is constant in my life now and I don't know when it will all end. I know you promised me ease with every situation and I do see it, ya Allah, I do. I see happiness of my loved ones, in the morning sun when it rains upon the green plants, in colors so bright they make me forget I'm hurting. But there's always a dull ache in my chest and when I'm alone with my thoughts, I crash so hard. I get so panicked and so afraid. I become so... not me. Please be by my side through everything. Please hold my hand through the turmoil and make firmer my faith in destiny. It's getting harder to keep faith with passing day but with You, ya Allah, by my side, I can mountains overtake. Please guide me all the way.

I don't know what the future holds, but I trust that whatever Allah's planned for me, is what's best. I'm learning to become okay with knowing that not everything will happen the way I want it to. It'll happen the way He wants it to, and I have to be okay with that because He wants the best for me; more than I ever will

There comes a point in your life where you feel stuck; unable to move in any direction. There comes a time when you feel bare, exposed, cold, depressed. You have to understand that is a time Allah set and gives you to build a relationship with Him. That's the time Allah choose for you because He loves you. It hurts to a point you feel like dying, but that's where your test lies. You have to bait that pain in with firm faith in Allah, knowing He only means you well. Knowing it's a way out for you from the life you're so attached to. 

I trust Allah will make a way. I have to trust Him. His wisdom lead me to the best of places, with all I've got. There's no way out for us. Choose Him over everything; under every circumstance. We will never go wrong. Have patience, have faith. He wants all form of goodness for us. And no matter what will happen, know that it will be the best for us. 

Never hurt someone so bad that they fall into sujood crying. Never hurt someone so bad that when they fall into sujood, they cannot get back up because of the burden in their hearts which was caused by you. It's not too late to apologise, you still have a chance. Beware, perhaps you may have broken a heart Allah loves. In a world around where you want to save yourself, be someone who tries to save others. Allah will save you. He will surface you. Please. Spread kindness. Smile, ask someone if they're okay. You never know what happens at 3:00AM behind those locked doors. You have the power to save someone. You are full of love and you can save a person. In return, Allah will reward you and that person will look up to you, he/she will do what you did, how you stayed with them. It all begins from you

When I think back on what have happened, sometimes, we don't really need closure to heal. You tell yourself that you want closure but the only reason why you want to speak to them is because you think your 'final conversation' might change something. In getting your closure, you're giving them respect, you're showing them that they're worthy enough to know the reasons behind your actions, and sometimes they're just not worthy. The closure you want, they have not earned. You need to ask yourself; will what I say make them a better person? Will it change the way they treat me or others in the future? Will they realise their mistakes? If the answer is no, your closure is a waste of your and their time because you've already made the decision to move on and on this occasion, they don't deserve to know. And I just need to remember that we don't owe anyone an explanation for our actions. But if you still want closure to move on, you must do it for you and not for them, and you must accept that your closure will not change anything - it will just close old chapters. I guess, that's the only way we should look at closure, that's the only way we can move on for good. 

I always tell others that soon, the pain will make sense and they'll heal. But in reality, I struggle through the same and I can't seem to convince myself that whatever I do is enough. I can't seem to fulfil this void within me. I pray and I hope, wishing that someday this hope will begin to grow again. But I'm trying so hard to hold onto the little hope that I do have left. I don't know how much further I can travel, I'm blind-sighted to this route ahead and I have no idea of where I'm going, I don't think my heart has that kind of strength in it anymore, to keep going no matter what's ahead. But I guess, I just got to have faith. Because if I don't, then what else will keep me going? It's the only thing keeping me sane; it's the only thing I'm willing to fight for. Ya Allah, please help me

And what I learned for the past 11 months (so far), that we have to be strong. At least mentally. Why must we learn to be strong? Why isn't it a quality that we're naturally endowed with, a skill that is given to every person in this world? Because strength is a virtue that we must earn before we can utilise it. Think about it, we only appreciate the light because we know what darkness feels like. We know that darkness is scary and grim and uncomfortable in every way and light is the opposite of all that. And that is why we accept the light and we choose it over darkness, that is why when the sun is shining and not a cloud is in sight, we feel at ease, we feel calm. That is why when the clouds are dark and it is pouring down with rain and the sky is bleak, our feelings are overshadowed too. We need to be strong in the face of despair, because that is the only way we will appreciate the strength that is within our scars. That is the only way we will understand that overcoming our obstacles gives us the willpower to deal with so much more in life. That's the only way we will accept that strength is earned, not given, that strength is in being soft, not stone-hearted. That's the only way we will learn to serves our hearts when we're drowning and we will learn to cherish our souls when it is alone. That's the only way we can understand that the strongest people are made from broken hearts and broken homes, from the direst situations and darkest bends of life, from the need to stop the pain and from the courage to keeping going.

The things that broke us, the things that cracked us open, they are all going to amount to something. They did not happen to us for nothing. And I know how hard it is to see that. I know how hard it is to believe in our growth before we feel it, before we see it. I know how difficult it is to believe in the lessons life is teaching us when they hurt us in ways we never thought we would be hurt, when they are unplanned and unwanted and unruly. 

I have grown. I have evolved. I have moved on from my past mistakes and accepted fate. I have gathered beautiful things like strength, courage and resilience along the way. I have taught myself to rely on no one but Allah swt and to remember Him even when I'm feeling (comparatively) okay. There's so much I've been through and I have survived. I have survived and I will again as my strength comes from Allah. I have handed over my heart to Him who controls everything and I know now that nothing could ever go wrong with Him. Nothing at all. Nothing, ever. 

And I truly believe, the people who left, the people who could not value me, the situations and the relationships that did not work out, the endings that came my way, they all led me here. And here I am growing. Here, my losses are lessons. Here I am learning about myself, I am meeting my resilience, I am discovering my strength. Here I am healing, even if it feels like I am not, because here I am choosing to continue, I am choosing to move forward in the direction of all I truly do deserve, no matter how slowly the progress comes. Here, I am finding myself again. Wallahu a'lam.