Your Mind is Your Best Friend and Your Worst Enemy

We can be our own worst enemy sometimes. We often think the worst or expect the worst because it's the easiest thing to believe, because we don't believe ourselves. Give yourself the credit you deserve and try to see the situation for how it is, and not how you have created it in your mind. Give your mind a little rest. Save that brain space for new ideas, for new adventures, for the things you love and for the people you love. Breathe in, breathe out

To myself,

I have wronged you again, I have belittled your pain. I have made you feel so inferior that I couldn't hear your screams when silence was the only thing engulfing you. I am sorry for making you believe that I didn't matter. I know I have wronged you and I am your everyday culprit. I don't know why it's so hard to choose you before everyone else. I am sorry for making you feel horrible even when some people said good about you. It took me time to accept you and I am still learning how to love you. I am sorry for being the first one to break you. I am sorry for all the hurting.

When I fell and hit pretty much rock bottom, I stayed there for a long time. I would find myself slowly trying to bring myself back up, back up to happiness, but I would just slip right back down. I have lost. I have lost much in life. Even things I thought I wouldn't ever lose. I lost them. Even things I thought I couldn't ever live without, I lost them. Where success and pride once occupied my chest, brokenness slowly started to make its way in its place.All the losing in life wrecked me. But in the wreck and ruins did I truly find my God. I was undoubtedly Muslim, but only so-so. When I got uprooted, though, I realised who in power truly was. Only when I felt like my soul was leaving me did I fully trust in the Almighty. I won't lie; it took me for something to push me to the edge of my sanity to get me to truly believe; to build my faith to where it is now. So to the one suffering, here's perspective for you from someone who's been through years of immense pain; it's get better. It makes you stronger, it makes you wiser. It makes you in need no one but yourself. So, trust the process, bite in the pain and know that verily, with difficulty comes ease. You (we) will get better. The skies will clear, your tears will dry and you will be whole once again, InsyaAllah. 

Sometimes, the pain is so unmanageable that the idea of spending another day with it seems impossible. Other times, pain act as a compass to help you through the messier tunnels of growing up. But pain can only help you find happiness if you remember it. 

Everything that is written for us will come at the appointed time. It's not easy, no of course not, but bear the struggles and know that your reward of waiting is with Allah and He will reward you accordingly. No matter how much it hurts, you've got to have strong faith because without that, its even harder. Remember, Allah doesn't burden us with more than we can handle. He is the most Merciful. Always think good of Allah and do right by Him. This dunya is hard and sometimes it feels like we are tested over but these hardships can be a means of purification. They can serve us a reminder to not take things for granted.  

This world has given me so much. Some of it I'm grateful for and some of it breaks my heart just to think about it. It has given me some of the most kindest souls and has given me toxic people. It has given me happiness that threads through my entire body and has given me pain and heartbreak just the same

You've been there before, but you don't remember it very well. That place between struggle and hope, light and dark, the past and the present. You've felt pain like the before, but the only difference is that it hurt a lot more then. But it doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's a sign of your strength and you need to accept it. You need to come to terms with your growth, your ability to adapt to new things and how much you've changed. It's okay if things do not affect you as much as they did before, it doesn't mean that something is wrong with you or that you're not the same person. It means you've flourished, you've learned, and you've been empowered. You've been there before; battling between hurting and letting go, between happy and simmering in sorrow. The only difference is, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. And that is always a good thing, it means you've grown and have learnt to deal with the pain. 

When you've spent so long within ocean of suffering and spent many years of your life carrying a broken soul, it gets so difficult to adjust within your own body when your broken and damaged soul finally begins to feel happy again. When life feels good and your soul feels life, it's a crazy feeling. You don't know how to handle it. It's like "wow, is this happiness really for me?" "it's mine?". It's hard to believe that happiness can be for you when you've continuously suffered. Your soul is so used to feeling discomfort finally comes and gives you a hug, it feels surreal. It feels like a dream. And all you want is to just cradle this peace and joy and hug so tightly because you're afraid it'll leave you. As so many things have left in the past, so many people have left in the past. I pray that happiness that comes to us forever stays with us.     

I suppose, healing has become a lifestyle for me. But I guess, you never really become expert at pain. One thing I have learned is this; don't control the tears. They are there for a reason. They were sent to heal you. Cry, because that's how we heal. Cry, cry at tahajjud, especially when you are with Allah. I know that is the only reason I am still walking around

We all know that wounding and trauma isn't fun. No one is waiting in line for it and wishing it upon themselves or another, but the reality is you can't heal if there isn't a wound. You can't deepen your relationship with yourself if you're not tested and tired. There's no story to tell if you walk an unwounded life (not to be confused with glorifying our wounding). Our story is what connects us to ourselves and what connects us to the people in this world who need our story, our resiliency, our vulnerability, and our growth. 

It's not meant to be easy; it's meant to be courageous and brave. 

Allah has taught me so may different lessons in life. He taught me not to rely on His creations and rely solely on Him. He taught me to be content with what I have and pray to Him for what I sincerely need. Most importantly, He taught me to walk away from anything that is toxic for my wellbeing and as hard as it may be  

I had to destroy all the memories to stop myself from destroying me. I had to tie my hands to stop making myself bleed out and I had to watch everything go up in flames to keep my own fire from going out. I had to destroy almost everything to keep my own sanity, for my heart was becoming a straight jacket that held me so tight against the clean break of promises, leaving a trail of lies that felt filthy my skin. I had to choke out the good, throw it across the bad and watch it al suffocate to a place where I cannot see it anymore. Because sometimes memories have a heartbeat that no longer belong to us and I was forced to flatline all that was still claiming part of my breath so I could breathe again.

When you are moving on in life, you grow differently. You stop entertaining people who do nothing but drag you down with them. Through intense periods of pain, you will sometimes look into the mirror and not recognise your own self. You will feel disconnected from everything and everyone as your soul screams into an abyss no one can see, feel or hear. No one will be there for you during those dark periods of loneliness, suffering and excruciating pain. No one, but Allah set. And that's when you will build your dependency and trust in Him. And through pain, He will make you realise you need no one but Him. Pain will realign your goals with nothing but the the truth. So, I'll trust the pain and let it purify and beautify my life. Wallahu a'alam.

Ya Allah, sometimes it's hard for me to understand what you really want to happen. But I trust you. And I know that you will always give me what's best